Boss, the dog ate my keys

Come on, admit it. You've called in sick when you were -- cough, cough -- less than grievously ill. If you're out of lines, there's help from a company that offers official-looking excuses. Just fill in the blanks and voila! You've got jury duty or pneumonia. Use your time off wisely.

FEMA officials likely wish they had some time off. Excuses that fake news conferences worked in "Wag the Dog" didn't save them. An irate homeland security chief made his displeasure clear, using what he called "Anglo-Saxon prose." We think that means he shouted a lot of four-letter words.

The "Women of Western Swimsuit Calendar" can't be sold on campus, WWU officials say. Fervent assurances that it's "educational" didn't work. However, something like that should sell well anywhere in B'ham, where it'll be another nine months before the winds die down enough to allow bikini wearing.

"But we scored 41 points!" The Huskies' excuses are sparse comfort to fans who watched the team give up 535 yards. Dawgs fans are mercifully excused from watercooler debates with Cougar fans until the Apple Cup.