Stressed? Tips for Calming Down and Connecting with Your Kids
Wide Range of Topics Covered at La Leche League of Washington Breastfeeding and Parenting Conference
By Wenda Reed
Times are tough. You’re feeling more stress, you’re worried about losing your job or you’re working more hours to keep a job – on top of the usual stress of juggling family and other commitments. “You might think that young kids would not care about these things, but research shows that even young children pick up on stress,” says author and parent educator Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. “They act out by not sleeping and having behavior issues.”
In the opening session of La Leche League of Washington’s Oct. 17 - 19 Breastfeeding and Parenting Conference, Kurcinka talked about recognizing our own stress and emotions early on and making a choice to be in the “green zone” of calm energy or the “red zone” of tense energy. She gave the keynote address, “Choosing to Connect … Even During the Tough Times” on the opening night of the conference.
If we or our children are in the red zone, we have elevated levels of alertness, our heart rates go up, we stop making eye contact and we stop listening, Kurcinka explains. “Instead of losing it, we can intervene at the beginning of a crisis,” she says. In her talks, she gives practical suggestions – illustrated with a bubbling volcano demonstration – for consciously stepping down the intensity of a situation and staying connected with our children.
She emphasizes preventing meltdowns by making proactive decisions. For example, when we are at the mall, do we go to one more store or do we go home for naptime? If it’s 5 p.m. and we need some groceries, do we just get bread and milk or try to buy a full week’s worth of food? Will our children tolerate a lot of time in the store at the end of a busy day, or would it be less stressful to have scrambled eggs for dinner?
Despite our best intentions, Kurcinka acknowledges that there will be bad days. She gives techniques for stopping what we are doing and calming down. When things have cooled, she suggests giving our child techniques to use the next time the situation arises. If our child gets upset at a crowded playground, we could suggest that she come and say, “Mommy, it’s too noisy,” rather than screaming, “Everyone shut up!”
Kurcinka gave two other presentations during the conference, based on her books Raising Your Spirited Child,Kids, Parents and Power Struggles, and Sleepless in America. Both sessions are on the morning of Saturday, Oct. 18.
In her presentation “Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep?,” Kurcinka talked about the importance of “protecting our children’s sleep” and making it a priority in our daily schedules. When her book came out two years ago, Kurcinka says people would tell her “Yeah, I know our children need more sleep, but it just isn’t possible.” Now she’s seeing much more receptiveness to the idea that many behavior problems will be solved if children get the sleep they need. Her presentation will include a new video showing a baby’s sleep stages and identifying cues to determine the window of opportunity for putting babies to bed so that they do not become over-tired and over-aroused.
Her talk on “Discovering Who Has Come to Live with You: Strategies to Fit Your Child” centered on figuring out what your child’s temperament and sensitivities are. Part of being connected to our children is understanding their experiences, Kurcinka says. For example, if we have kids who always lose control at the playground, we would need to find out the triggers for their behavior: Is it sand in their shoes, too much noise, the difficulty of making the transition from the car to the playground or difficulty leaving? If it’s too much noise, Kurcinka says we can calm them by taking them to a quieter place for a while. If it’s the transition, she says, we can make a transition plan and tell them in advance exactly what will happen.
Kurcinka is one of 52 speakers who discussed a wide range of topics, connected by the conference’s theme, “The Caring Continuum.” The emphasis was on staying connected with and attached to our children in a nurturing way, says Marianne Ames, coordinator of events for La Leche League of Washington.
There were plenty of breastfeeding topics, including “How Milk is Made,” “Good Latch/Bad Latch,” “When Breastfeeding Doesn’t Work” and “Breastfeeding and Working,” along with advice for first-year parents on mood disorders, cloth diapering, babywearing, safe sleep positions and more. Other sessions covered the full spectrum of child-rearing, ranging from “Attachment Parenting,” “Staying Connected with your Teenager” and “The Importance of the Family Dinner Table” to discussions of discipline, nutrition, naturopathic remedies, immunizations, fathering, “unschooling,” green cleaning techniques and home organization.
Pam Leo, author of Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear, led three sessions at the conference, summarizing three steps in her “Meeting the Needs of Children” parenting series, which she developed nearly 20 years ago and teaches publicly and in the prison system to inmates.
Leo writes that “maintaining a healthy child-parent bond is our primary work as parents” and that when we respond to our children’s behavior, we should ask, “Does this response create a connection or a disconnection?”
In the session on “Our Parenting Inheritance,” Leo offered tips on consciously choosing to keep the best of our parents’ ways and changing the rest. “Healing the Feeling Child” will help parents respond to crying, anger and temper tantrums in a way that supports the child’s natural, spontaneous healing process. “Loving Guidance through Decoding Behavior” will help parents figure out the needs behind the behaviors, rather than simply reacting to children’s words or actions.
Other speakers included breastfeeding expert and La Leche leader Catherine Watson Genna; La Leche League International co-founder Marian Tompson; local author and life coach Scott Noelle; author, doula and childbirth educator Penny Simkin; and Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, co-founders of Attachment Parenting International.
