Parenting is really tough, but there is help

In the past week, I’ve had to force myself to read grim accounts of child abuse allegations.

On Nov. 12, it was a Herald article about a baby hospitalized at 4 months old. He had a fractured skull, bruising on his brain, a ruptured bowel, broken ribs, a lacerated liver and internal bleeding.

That boy is now blind. His 21-year-old father has been charged with second-degree assault of a child.

Then Wednesday’s Herald brought this: A 20-year-old man was arrested in the death, seven months ago, of his girlfriend’s toddler. The man was jailed for investigation of second-degree murder. Investigators believe the 15-month-old boy’s fatal injuries were caused by beating.

These cases are so extreme, it’s hard to fathom how they could occur. I’m not some model parent pointing a finger. I believe most parents have regrets — over harsh words said to children in anger, or flashes of temper disguised as discipline.

If there is anything to be learned from terrible cases and innocent victims, it’s that raising children is incredibly hard. When parents are young and inexperienced, education and support are critical.

I recently received a five-page flier from the city of Everett and Rubatino Refuse Removal Inc. It explains, in great detail, how to recycle food-scrap garbage — that’s right, garbage. Do new parents get that much information about how to cope with the frustrations of caring for kids?

At Lynnwood’s Progressive Animal Welfare Society, potential dog owners take a survey. The survey covers where a dog will be kept; what types of training the owner will do; and “Who else will interact with the dog on a daily basis?”

Those are issues for folks thinking of adopting a dog. What about parents?

At Providence Regional Medical Center Everett, Judy Roudebush said there’s plenty of help available, if parents take advantage of it.

“We have very active birth and family education classes, from pre-pregnancy through five years postpartum,” said Roudebush, the hospital’s director of women and children’s services.

Mothers can come weekly, until children are 3, to support groups with other moms. A new postpartum clinic offers mothers a chance to meet with nurses in the first days after giving birth.

Louise Vlasic, who heads the Early Childhood Education Department at Everett Community College, said young parents’ lack of experience can contribute to dangers. It’s not that young parents can’t be good parents, but Vlasic said “the more experience and knowledge a provider of care for young children has, the better the care.”

Vlasic worries about many young families. “In these economic times, I see so much stress,” she said. “A young parent or parents living in poverty, they’re so busy trying to put food on the table and get to a job. These are complex issues.”

As a safety net, Vlasic said parents need a reliable adult to turn to, and a way to get some respite from child duties. “In most places, we don’t even have neighborhoods like I remember,” said Vlasic, who suggests that if we see parents needing help, we ought to offer it.

When it comes to leaving a baby with someone else, Vlasic urges mothers to think hard about that person. Teens, especially, may equate love with trust, she said.

“Think, has this person ever hurt someone else? Or pushed you? All those are indicators of use of force,” she said.

At some point, parents may find themselves in a danger zone, “beyond your limits,” Vlasic said. In that case, it’s best to put the child in a safe place, go into the bathroom, shut the door, sit down, and breathe. “Take that five-minute break,” Vlasic said.

It’s a last resort, but Roudebush said Providence emergency rooms take part in the national Safe Place for Newborns effort (www.safeplacefornewborns.org), which asks desperate parents to leave infants in danger of being abandoned or harmed at an emergency room — no questions asked.

She also suggests calling 2-1-1, a phone line connecting people to area social services.

“Our responsibility is to make sure people have the resources to do the job they need to do — parenting their children,” Roudebush said.



Julie Muhlstein: 425-339-3460, muhlstein@heraldnet.com.