Published: Sunday, May 30, 2010
GUEST COMMENTARY / MEMORIAL DAY
A nation's loss ... and a mother's
Five years after her son was killed in Iraq, a Snohomish woman reminds us of Memorial Day's true meaning
The month of May tends to be a difficult month for me as a mother. As I write these words I know that to be the case for so many mothers across this great nation.
Sandwiched between two beautiful days of recognition and honor are memories I hold very dear to my heart and will always cherish in this lifetime. The two days I'm referring to are Mother's Day and Memorial Day. Both are days of remembrance and honor, although with completely opposite meanings.
The mothers I speak of, and whom I have been blessed and humbled to cross paths with, are women of great strength and faith, but also encouragers who carry a pain deep in their hearts, a pain that carries with it the emotions of grief and sorrow at the loss of their child — a fallen American hero.
These heroes are the sons and daughters who grew to be men and women of honor and dignity and who chose to stand out from others and answer the call of military service in the United States Armed Forces. There will never be any doubt in my mind that they were some of the best our nation had to offer, taken from us long before their time.
This journey of grief and sorrow is a very personal and intense one, and one few will escape experiencing at some point in life. The difference is, some will be able to prepare in advance and others, such as those I write of in this story, myself included, could not have imagined — much less prepared for — the ring of the doorbell or knock at the door, followed by the words that deliver the unfathomable message.
As Mother's Day came and went this year I struggled more than I have in previous years. Consider with me for a moment the “sting” of emotions that envelope you when you experience pain. For those left behind after the loss of a child, that sting can resemble a swarm of hornets.
Grief and sorrow aside, over the past five years I have at times been surprised by my own “hornets” of anxiety and confusion, of wondering why, of loneliness, and of immeasurable tears. As a Christian, I rejoice at my son's reunion with his Lord. Yet as a mother, I mourn a great loss and the fact that quite simply, I miss my son. I am coming to terms with the deep emotional pain of grief by giving it up to God and asking for His constant comfort and guidance on what He desires for me on this life journey. In turn, He has promised to help me find my way through the swarm of emotional hornets.
Some days I find myself sprinting, while other days I crawl, taking a now familiar path of being a Gold Star Mother, one whose child made the ultimate sacrifice in service to our country.
Recently I came across a piece that put words around some of my feelings of remembrance. In her book “A Mother's Heart Knows,” Martha McSweeney shared the following: “A mother's heart knows how to stretch and to grow. A mother's heart knows when it's time to let go.”
Letting go is an essential part of being a mom, McSweeney wrote. “Let go to let grow,” she said, should be the motto of motherhood.
As a mother considering those words, it's hard not to look back on those moments of letting go over the years. After all, in most situations is it not Mom who lets go of her child's hand as they take their first steps alone, Mom who lets go of the bicycle handlebars as her child takes that first ride alone, or Mom who lets go as the young adult spreads his or her wings and prepares to leave their childhood home.
In letting go, the mother and child experience their own purposeful growth. That day in May 2005, my son Jeff's Marine buddies helped him “let go and to go.”
For some, this weekend will be all about the extra day off, the start of the summer season, barbecues, a time of traveling or time to hang out with family and friends.
For many families across this nation, however, Memorial Day will be about celebrating something that for some is rather difficult to fully comprehend: the sacrifices of men and women who have given of their lives for the sake of freedom. Each of them is a hero who offers a unique story in the annals of American history; each an American who willingly laid down his or her life for a greater cause, in love and for their fellow man.
Perhaps part of the struggle to understand these fallen heroes comes with the difficulty in accepting their sacrifice, especially when that sacrifice seems so final and, for those who hold no depth of understanding, appears to hold no obvious reward. The idea that anyone could give up everything, for someone they didn't even know, is difficult at best, and in many ways beyond comprehension.
We spend so much of life trying to gain, to acquire and to win. Our country is home to the American Dream, the land of opportunity. So contemplating the sacrifice of a fallen hero can be uncomfortable and even confusing.
In approaching this weekend, my prayer is that those across this great land not lose sight of why America observes this day of honor and remembrance. I have but a few requests on behalf of those who have sacrificed all for the sake of freedom:
Wherever you may be, take a moment to remember these heroes of the past and present, and to lift up in prayer the moms and dads and extended families left behind.
Consider those men and women who continue to gallantly serve our nation in dangerous places around the world. Like those who have gone before them, they face uncertainties on a daily basis, and as they do they find strength and courage as they take their positions on the front line of freedom.
While enjoying the extended weekend be sure to give thanks for those heroes of today, for there truly is no greater privilege to humanity on Earth than to be free. If you know someone currently serving in the military send them a card, e-mail them a note, put a note on their favorite social networking site, send them a text message or better yet call them and thank them for their service.
This is a day that should bring gratitude to every American heart. This nation has been, and will always be, defended by those who loved liberty more than life and freedom more than their own safety. In the span of a few days of remembrance over an extended weekend, we honor their memory as an annual reminder of a debt that can never be repaid.
My hope is that as Americans we keep this in mind as we observe Memorial Day with those who surround us with love and to be reminded of what Abraham Lincoln said: “The mystic cords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart ... should swell a mighty chorus of remembrance and gratitude and rededication on this solemn occasion.”
Lest we never forget, freedom is not free!
Shellie Starr of Snohomish is the mother of Marine Cpl. Jeffrey Starr, who was killed in Ramadi, Iraq, on May 30, 2005.
Sandwiched between two beautiful days of recognition and honor are memories I hold very dear to my heart and will always cherish in this lifetime. The two days I'm referring to are Mother's Day and Memorial Day. Both are days of remembrance and honor, although with completely opposite meanings.
The mothers I speak of, and whom I have been blessed and humbled to cross paths with, are women of great strength and faith, but also encouragers who carry a pain deep in their hearts, a pain that carries with it the emotions of grief and sorrow at the loss of their child — a fallen American hero.
These heroes are the sons and daughters who grew to be men and women of honor and dignity and who chose to stand out from others and answer the call of military service in the United States Armed Forces. There will never be any doubt in my mind that they were some of the best our nation had to offer, taken from us long before their time.
This journey of grief and sorrow is a very personal and intense one, and one few will escape experiencing at some point in life. The difference is, some will be able to prepare in advance and others, such as those I write of in this story, myself included, could not have imagined — much less prepared for — the ring of the doorbell or knock at the door, followed by the words that deliver the unfathomable message.
As Mother's Day came and went this year I struggled more than I have in previous years. Consider with me for a moment the “sting” of emotions that envelope you when you experience pain. For those left behind after the loss of a child, that sting can resemble a swarm of hornets.
Grief and sorrow aside, over the past five years I have at times been surprised by my own “hornets” of anxiety and confusion, of wondering why, of loneliness, and of immeasurable tears. As a Christian, I rejoice at my son's reunion with his Lord. Yet as a mother, I mourn a great loss and the fact that quite simply, I miss my son. I am coming to terms with the deep emotional pain of grief by giving it up to God and asking for His constant comfort and guidance on what He desires for me on this life journey. In turn, He has promised to help me find my way through the swarm of emotional hornets.
Some days I find myself sprinting, while other days I crawl, taking a now familiar path of being a Gold Star Mother, one whose child made the ultimate sacrifice in service to our country.
Recently I came across a piece that put words around some of my feelings of remembrance. In her book “A Mother's Heart Knows,” Martha McSweeney shared the following: “A mother's heart knows how to stretch and to grow. A mother's heart knows when it's time to let go.”
Letting go is an essential part of being a mom, McSweeney wrote. “Let go to let grow,” she said, should be the motto of motherhood.
As a mother considering those words, it's hard not to look back on those moments of letting go over the years. After all, in most situations is it not Mom who lets go of her child's hand as they take their first steps alone, Mom who lets go of the bicycle handlebars as her child takes that first ride alone, or Mom who lets go as the young adult spreads his or her wings and prepares to leave their childhood home.
In letting go, the mother and child experience their own purposeful growth. That day in May 2005, my son Jeff's Marine buddies helped him “let go and to go.”
For some, this weekend will be all about the extra day off, the start of the summer season, barbecues, a time of traveling or time to hang out with family and friends.
For many families across this nation, however, Memorial Day will be about celebrating something that for some is rather difficult to fully comprehend: the sacrifices of men and women who have given of their lives for the sake of freedom. Each of them is a hero who offers a unique story in the annals of American history; each an American who willingly laid down his or her life for a greater cause, in love and for their fellow man.
Perhaps part of the struggle to understand these fallen heroes comes with the difficulty in accepting their sacrifice, especially when that sacrifice seems so final and, for those who hold no depth of understanding, appears to hold no obvious reward. The idea that anyone could give up everything, for someone they didn't even know, is difficult at best, and in many ways beyond comprehension.
We spend so much of life trying to gain, to acquire and to win. Our country is home to the American Dream, the land of opportunity. So contemplating the sacrifice of a fallen hero can be uncomfortable and even confusing.
In approaching this weekend, my prayer is that those across this great land not lose sight of why America observes this day of honor and remembrance. I have but a few requests on behalf of those who have sacrificed all for the sake of freedom:
This is a day that should bring gratitude to every American heart. This nation has been, and will always be, defended by those who loved liberty more than life and freedom more than their own safety. In the span of a few days of remembrance over an extended weekend, we honor their memory as an annual reminder of a debt that can never be repaid.
My hope is that as Americans we keep this in mind as we observe Memorial Day with those who surround us with love and to be reminded of what Abraham Lincoln said: “The mystic cords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart ... should swell a mighty chorus of remembrance and gratitude and rededication on this solemn occasion.”
Lest we never forget, freedom is not free!
Shellie Starr of Snohomish is the mother of Marine Cpl. Jeffrey Starr, who was killed in Ramadi, Iraq, on May 30, 2005.
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