Step right up: Presidential aspirant (at least until the season finale of “Celebrity Apprentice”) and professional carnival barker Donald Trump, R-Ringling Bros., is taking credit for prompting President Barack Obama, D-Hawaii, Dammit!, to authorize Hawaii officials to release his “long-form” birth certificate in an attempt to put aside persistent rumors that he was born in Kenya.
With that accomplishment, Trump said he will now demand that Obama prove that he loves his daughters by buying them a pony.
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William and Kate Plus 1,908: If you’re planning to watch the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, we’ve got a detailed schedule of events here.
Because of a lack of space, a few events were left out that we helpfully include here (all times Pacific):
2:15 a.m.: On their way to Westminster Abbey, Prince Harry cracks a joke to his brother about “the crown jewels.”
2:45 a.m.: Prince Philip leaves the abbey with the queen’s corgies for one last “walkies” before the ceremony.
3:10 a.m. Dustin Hoffman as Ben Braddock arrives at the abbey, banging on the glass yelling, “Elaine! Elaine!” then realizes he has the wrong wedding.
4:17: A wheel on the couple’s carriage breaks, forcing William and Kate to continue the procession to Buckingham Palace on borrowed Segways.
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