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In our view / The lighter side of the news


Name your 'care' program

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Just for fun, take time this week to add "care" to your last name and describe what service you would provide, not necessarily health-related.
For example, Mariners manager Eric Wedge, through Wedgecare, offers complete coverage of every way you can say, "Uh, we need some offense." He reached Wedgecare's deductible this past weekend by invoking the movie, "Groundhog Day." Let's throw the headlines around the horn:
•"Poll: Americans bored with presidential campaign": Gosh. Like, attention spans, you know? Certainly it's time to turn the election into a reality show, where the candidates go through weeks of singing and dancing on a deserted island, with a final "Survivor" meets "American Idol"-type showdown, where viewers call in and vote.
"Ferris wheel opening on Seattle waterfront": Hmmm. How about a huge theme park at the Kimberly-Clark site in Everett? It could pay homage to the mill history, with a gigantic log flume ride, a (faux) "smoke stack" train throughout the grounds, and a "Ribbon of TP" waterslide, which mimics the look of an unfurled roll.
"Mass. man pays off mortgage with pennies": Now that the 1 cent coins are synonymous with "payment-as-punishment," is it finally time to get rid of them? Especially since they cost more to make than they are worth?
"The next airline fee: Paying more to get off a plane faster?": At least a few busy business travelers, who often have connections to make, said they would definitely be willing to pay a $10 to $20 fee to "deplane" faster, a survey says.
They were only out-numbered by the claustrophobic community, which issued a statement saying that to a person, its members would be willing to give up their first-born child in exchange for a lifetime get-out-of-the-plane-first pass.
•"Apple sued for Siri patent infringement": Siri, is the Chinese company, Shanghai Zhizhen Network Technology, claiming that you infringe its voice technology patent?
Siri: "I see several Chinese restaurants near you, but none that serve Chop Siri with infringing voice sauce. Shall I keep looking?"
•"Celebrate swimsuit season with all-bacon 'Merica burger": A Southern California chain, Slater's 50/50, is offering the burger out of 100 percent ground bacon, a slice of bacon topping that, a sunny-side-up egg, "bacon island" dressing and bacon cheddar cheese. Dessert: A bacon sundae. Does the chain's name refer to a diner's chance of having a heart attack on the spot?
(Not to be confused with the other big food news, "Judge: Manhattan deli can keep its 'Instant Heart Attack' sandwich.") Why not wash it down with an "Eventual Liver Failure" jumbo cocktail, a "Diabetes for Certain" dessert, and an after-meal "Slow Death by Lung Cancer/Emphysema" cigarette?
Welcome to the Delicare plan.

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