•"Fiat will offer 'world's first in-car espresso maker'":
Now you can sue yourself for spilling hot coffee in your lap.
Now you can fix yourself a double latte as you double park.
Now all you need is the world's first in-car "toilette."
•"2 crows plus a bag of flour equals a hazmat scene":
The suspicious white powder turned out to be flour for the pancakes the crafty birds were whipping up for breakfast before being interrupted by a jogger, and later a hazmat team. To head off further trouble, the crows admitted that the sticky spots on the road were in fact maple syrup.
•"Judge acquits Oregon man who stripped in TSA airport protest": No one really wanted to review the evidence.
"10 most annoying hotel fees": Most annoying is that so many possible fees exist, it's possible to come up with a Top 10 list.
"Kobe Bryant: U.S. citizenship should be revoked without gold medal":
How about just revoking his right to be quoted? The L.A. Lakers superstar, taking on a "leadership role" as Team USA heads to the Olympics, earlier said the 2012 U.S. roster could take down the storied Michael Jordan-led 1992 Dream Team.
Isn't that the problem with the NBA in the Olympics? The best competitive spirit the players can muster is against a past NBA Olympics team? As opposed to, "We vow to beat Brazil by double digits this time!"
•"More than 1,000 turtles slowly escape captivity": Authorities said, however, the turtles were able to "make a beeline to nearby ponds and creeks."
Not to split hares, (or "hairs" to be correct) but how fast or slow is a beeline? How far did the turtles beeline as the crow flies? Are we a jackrabbit short of a truly mixed metaphor?
•"Need a room for the Olympics? Sleep in a cab":
An enterprising cabbie will let visitors sleep in his cab for 50 pounds ($78). He has outfitted his traditional black London taxi with a cozy single bed and a Union Jack blanket. But it lacks the world's first in-cab tea set, which is OK, because it also lacks a water closet.
•"What does space smell like?": Kind of Saturny and expansive, with a hint of Mars bar, and an undertone of Tang.
"New lab working on security shoe sole to ID people":
What does security smell like? The system identifies people by their unique foot odor. OK, it doesn't. Keep on your tows ("toes") today.
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