•"Harvest moon meets Uranus in the sky Saturday: How to watch online": Does anything else in the entire universe, not counting black holes, come close to challenging our maturity the way the seventh planet from the sun does?
"Computer game lets you run a presidential campaign": Oh, boy.
"Trial of pope's former butler over leaked papers gets under way": How is this not yet a made-for-TV mini-series? Or a 2012 edition of the board game "Clue"? (Cardinal Mustard was found reading the papers by the light of the candlestick in the Vatican Conservatory.)
"Akin: McCaskill more 'ladylike' in last election": Rep. Todd Akin, he of the now-infamous "legitimate rape" remarks, last week said his opponent for the U.S. Senate, Democratic incumbent Sen. Claire McCaskill of Missouri, was more "ladylike" in her 2006 election than she is this time around. Thereby cementing his coronation as the world's consummate gentleman.
"Scientists measure the mouth of a monster black hole": In between bites, it was heard to exclaim: "Me want cookie!" "Me eat cookie!" And "Om nom nom nom."
"Asteroid dust cloud may be Earth's best hope against global warming": Scientists are calling it "The Pig-Pen Defense."
"U.S. raccoons run wild in Germany": And Oktoberfest has only just begun.
"Vegas casino offers refunds on Seahawks-Packers game": Prompting the mandatory question: What are the odds of that?
"RI owner of cussing cockatoo appealing noise fine": A neighbor accused Lynne Taylor's bird of squawking vulgar phrases, cursing and loudly speaking expletives. The complaining neighbor, it turns out, lives with Taylor's ex-husband. Oh. In that case, also charge the cockatoo with felony gossip, rumor spreading and Facebook defriending. And no, Polly doesn't want a *&^*#@!@ cracker, thank you.
"Deputies: Attempted burglar found asleep on floor": Finally, police nab the notorious "cat-nap burglar." (Tips came in on the sheriff's Narc-o-lepsy hotline.)
"Victoria's Secret to sell items at Cowboys Stadium": Not to be confused with the "Lingerie Football League," the idea comes on the heels of the accidental success of team owner Jerry Jones' "Jerry Wipes" eyeglass cleaners. (Jones' son-in-law was caught on camera cleaning the older man's glasses during a game, and the team immediately and good-naturedly seized the moment and made money on it.) For the richest team in the NFL, selling "Jerry 'n' Victoria's Garter Belts" is the natural follow-up.
"Astronaut Sunita Williams completes triathlon in space": As the space athletes like to say, "She kicked Uranus."
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