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Published: Monday, October 1, 2012, 12:01 a.m.

Pondering confounding mysteries

Recently had a few moments to myself and got to wondering:
How do I go about getting my name off of any and all "political donation" lists that I'm now on. A good friend of mine recently blogged about the ever-increasing volume and frequency of requests for money he's received since he made his first donation. We may be political opposites, but I can assure him that we're all in the same hell.
If certain individuals I've been stopped next to at traffic lights will ever understand that car stereos can be played at a volume lower than one that will rattle dental fillings?
Why, when we (as a society) keep forcing sexuality on kids at ever-younger ages, we still get bug-eyed with astonishment when they act on what we've given them to work with?
If any slice of dropped toast has ever landed buttered-side up?
If the real punishment for the consumption of an apple (Honeycrisp, I believe it was) in the Garden of Eden was, from then on, having everything that's good for us taste horrible and everything that's bad for us taste great?
When it will dawn on us that "Hate Speech" is separated from the even more frightening "Hate Thought" by but one very small step? We might want to ask ourselves just who gets to define such things before we continue down this path.
What, as someone once very cogently asked, persuaded any medical student on earth to become a proctologist?
If, given the way they both tend to waste money while in office, there's any real difference in this arena between Democans and Republicrats?
What the folks who make up many of the questionnaires we all get to fill out these days would do if we started writing "Human" in the block that asks for "race" and just call it all good from there?
If the "druggies" and "tweakers" out there looking to get "high" have ever thought of taking a ride in an acrobatic airplane and asking the pilot to do an inverted spin? The good news: It costs less than a drug habit, really gets the heart pumping, adds a whole new definition to the word "excitement," reduces the wear and tear on society, and, when you "come down" your brain cells are still usable. The bad news: You get to clean the cockpit.
If, when tested, any of our elected representatives could score 50 percent (I'd wager 25 percent would be a truly exceptional score) or better on questions regarding our current tax code? Minor aside: An interesting follow-on would be to delete from the code any section that any member of Congress could not explain.
Whatever happened to the guy who once explained that starting a government program is very much like elephants mating in captivity? There's a lot of noise and commotion to start things off. Anyone or anything nearby is likely to get trampled during the process. And any tangible results are going to be expensive, a long shot, and far off in the future. I'd sure like to shake his hand.
If, as a society, we could make a cop's job easier by letting the bad guys know that: "When the number of pages in your arrest record approximates the number of pages in the sports section of the daily paper, we're firing up 'Old Sparky'."
If researchers understand that the proof that cell phones cause brain damage is demonstrated daily by the way people drive while using them? We don't even have to theorize what texting while driving indicates as regards normal brain function.
If parents everywhere go to bed at night counting the days until their kids are grown and gone and, later -- after they've left -- begin counting the days until they come home to visit?
If the members of my generation (Baby Boomers) will ever accept the fact that -- no matter how many face lifts, butt lifts, tummy tucks, eye jobs, nose jobs, boob jobs, lip jobs, botox injections, hair implants, or Viagra pills we take -- we're never going to look or feel 20 again?
And, finally:
If it would bother anyone to know that most of us dog owners do, indeed, allow our pets to "pre-wash" the dishes after dinner?

Larry Simoneaux lives in Edmonds. Send comments to: larrysim@comcast.net

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Herald Editorial Board

Jon Bauer, Opinion Editor: jbauer@heraldnet.com

Carol MacPherson, Editorial Writer: cmacpherson@heraldnet.com

Neal Pattison, Executive Editor: npattison@heraldnet.com

Josh O'Connor, Publisher: joconnor@heraldnet.com

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