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In our view / The lighter side of the news

Valet phone, or just bury it

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If the NFL instituted a "debate-style format" to argue disputed calls, how many hours (days, weeks,) beyond the standard four would it take to play a 60-minute game? Discuss among yourselves. Let's referee the headlines:
•"A phone home: NY teens pay valets to store devices": And people complain that new jobs aren't being created.
"Police find high-speed chase suspect in hot tub": Being a bad guy is a high-stress job that requires much-needed relaxation.
"FDA says Teva antidepressant is ineffective": On the other hand, the shoes and sandals of the same name are quite good. And walking is a proven antidepressant.
"10 best beer cities in the world": Portland (yes, Oregon) made the list, along with Munich, Germany and Milwaukee, Wis. Missing is Seattle, which beer city or not, doesn't like to lose out to Portlandia in any given arbitrary competition. SnoCo brewers and afficionados can just smile, sip and enjoy the sibling rivalry.
"He said, she said: Economists' views differ by gender": That might be because women are paid less than men, and very often pay more for goods and services (dry cleaning, mortgages, insurance) than men do.
"Toyota debuts 'mind-reading' concept car": We'll take a wild guess at what the Office of Homeland Security and Preparedness is thinking: Hey, cool. We gotta get a bunch of those!
"Duck-billed dinosaurs had hundreds of complex teeth": Which explains the origins and evolution of Daffy Duck's lisp.
"The terrifying 'dwarf vampire' dinosaur with sharp fangs and bristling quills": At under two feet long and the weight of a domestic cat, it walked the prehistoric Earth 'like a nimble two-legged porcupine,' according to scientists. Non-scientists theorize the lonely Pegomastax africanus is likely the first dinosaur to be ostracized into extinction.
"New vest inflates when you receive 'Likes' on Facebook": The idea of this vest, created by a group of MIT scientists, is to simulate the feeling of receiving a hug from your friends. And you can "hug" back if your friend also has a "Like-A-Hug' vest. Prompting the questions: How lonely are some MIT scientists? Could 'Like-A-Hug' vests have saved the sad, prickly dwarf vampire dinosaurs from extinction?
"Police: Call from 'burglar' actually came from dog": An Orem, Utah, man alerted police after he received a call from his home phone on his cell phone. The man heard banging and scratching noises on the line and figured it was an intruder. Police responded, but found nothing. The man later called to say the dog had grabbed the home phone's receiver and apparently hit the redial button while burying it in the backyard. (Apparently the man didn't recognize the familiar heavy panting.)
Other theories:
The dog later was simply trying to order a pizza when things went awry. He then buried the evidence.
The dog wanted to go for a walk and was reaching out to his human companion via the gadget guaranteed to get a response.

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