No distracted a-wassailing
•"Pedestrians distracted by cellphones are just as dangerous as distracted drivers": Well, except for the fact they aren't operating 4,000-pound, gas-powered vehicles.
What they mean, of course, is that pedestrians who are texting are just as distracted as drivers who are tweeting, putting themselves in danger. But if "distracted walking" public service announcements and campaigns are deemed necessary to battle this health risk, perhaps it's time to consult Darwin again.
•"Novak Djokovic buys the entire annual supply of donkey cheese made in Serbia": And no one complained, not even a mouse.
"Five drinks to avoid with acid reflux": Let's assume all drinks made with acid reflux should be avoided.
"Oldest evidence of cheese-making found in shards of vessels": Yes, Serbian tennis player Djokovic again says he has dibs, just in case there's some especially aged donkey cheese stuck on those shards.
"Trained Navy dolphins losing their jobs to robots": Dolphin No. 1: Well, they finally took the bait. Let them hunt their own mines. Dolphin No. 2: Doh! They fell for our it-takes-seven-years-to-train-a-dolphin ploy. The rest of the Navy dolphins: hahahahahahaahaha.
"Hiking in nature increases creativity": The article advises, "If your creative juices have temporarily dried up or you're having something akin to writer's block at work, get thee to the Appalachian Trail -- or another backwoods spot."
Apparently the statute of limitations has run out on using "Hiking the Appalachian Trail" as code for "Visiting my mistress in Argentina," as creatively employed by former South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford.
•"Jesus sign irks neighbors in Pasco": The man's 6 feet by 3˝ feet sign proclaiming "Jesus is the reason for the season" breaks size covenants as set by the Mediterranean Villas neighborhood association. Hmm. It just seems that sometimes silly, manufactured, and preventable controversies are more and more the reason for the season.
"Twitter faithful await Pope Benedict's words" and "Drive On: New Popemobile allows better views of pontiff": The pontiff was seen tweeting from his new vehicle: "Just cruising in the new Benzo ... and giving a shout out in eight Twitter languages to my 900,000 or so followers. Pax out!"
"10 outrageously lavish CEO perks": Really, aren't they all?
"More Americans opting out of banking system": Meanwhile, the mattress and cookie jar industries are experiencing a resurgence.
"Can you give birth like royalty?": With a stiff upper lip? While thinking of England? By saying things like, "Her Royal Highness would like a royal &*%$%^$ epidural now"?