What is the etiquette for smoking pot?

WASHINGTON — We had polished off dinner, tucked the kids into bed and cracked open a bottle of wine. That’s when our guest pulled out a tiny change purse and took from it what my husband and I thought was a cigarette. It was actually a joint.

“This is my nightcap,” she announced, lighting up and inhaling in matter of milliseconds. “I hope you don’t mind.”

My husband is not categorically opposed to marijuana. But he’s not particularly keen on someone partaking in our vacation rental, with another set of renters downstairs and our children installed nearby on a blow-up mattress, so he pecked back: “That didn’t sound like a question.”

It was an awkward moment, quickly brushed aside by our collective desire to keep an agreeable evening relatively agreeable. But it led us to wonder — just what is the current etiquette on marijuana usage?

It turns out we’re not the only ones asking. At a time when smoking marijuana is increasingly mainstream, legal and socially acceptable — a recent Quinnipiac poll showed that 51 percent of respondents believe it should be decriminalized – when and where to inhale is a question flummoxing regular smokers, part-time partakers and nonsmokers alike.

After all, cannabis is now legal for recreational use in Washington state and Colorado and technically legal — although not yet legally available — for medicinal use in the District of Columbia.

A new challenge is figuring out how we’re all supposed to navigate dinners, cocktail parties, barbecues and cross-generational family get-togethers as more people liken puffing on a joint to sipping a glass of wine, while others still consider it a malodorous habit that’s best done not at all, or at least far from our house.

Allen St. Pierre, the executive director of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws and a smoker himself, says navigating the marijuana mores shouldn’t, in theory, be that perplexing as long as smokers follow the cardinal rule: “Do not use cannabis in the presence of others who are not keen on it.”

The challenging part, he said, is figuring out who’s keen.

In Washington, it is far from a partisan debate, something that both Republicans and Democrats struggle with. “It’s a cross-party issue,” said a 27-year-old aide to a GOP congressman who, like many interviewed for this story, preferred not to give her name, further highlighting people’s discomfort with this subject. She says she smokes often at home but does so without telling her ultraconservative, 50-something boss, her co-workers or even many of her friends. “It’s really hard to know how people stand on it.”

Perhaps most conflicted on the matter are the middle-aged among us who increasingly find ourselves socializing with friends, colleagues, the parents of our children’s friends, neighbors and our own family members — in other words, with lots of people with lots of differing ideas on what’s appropriate.

“Some people are very tolerant; they don’t care,” offered a 47-year-old financial consultant from New York who enjoys an occasional toke before dinner. But for others, he said, seeking an okay from the host “is the equivalent of asking: ‘Do you mind if I club this baby seal?’ “

Virginia Kurilla, 47, a Washington therapist, says that a lot of smokers deal with social murkiness not boldly, like our guest, but simply by smoking alone in their basements – a polite although solitary solution. “Many people are still apprehensive about admitting it,” she said.

Others try to be more open but find the results can be alienating.

An outreach director for a Northern Virginia nonprofit group found himself rejected when an elementary school teacher and good friend declined to attend one of his parties. The friend had suspected, correctly, that pot smoking would abound.

“She didn’t want to be associated with it,” the 25-year-old said, adding that the prospect of appearing on a tagged Facebook photo scared her off more than anything.

To satisfy smoking friends without offending nonsmokers, some Washington-area hosts simply exclude nonsmokers from events where marijuana may be present.

“I get invited to the Super Bowl party and eat pizza,” said John Wetmore, a Maryland television producer. “But they don’t tell me about the party planned for a week later where people are going to get out the weed. Which is fine; it can prevent some awkward moments.”

But it can also lead to hurt feelings.

To avoid that, some hosts try to bridge the gap by invoking the take-it-outside rule, but that’s not effective in all instances.

Andrea Khoury, who founded the popular parenting site SuperNovaMommy, says that when friends and neighbors come over to her home in Northern Virginia’s Fairfax County for a dinner or a glass of wine, they would be wrong to think her yard was free terrain for smoking pot. “My neighborhood is prim and proper,” she said. “I think people would consider smoking around others, even outside, disrespectful.” (And, lest we forget, it is still illegal.)

It is a refrain heard often in the Washington area where many residents – White House staffers, congressional aides, defense contractors, sundry government workers – hold jobs that require security clearances.

“You never want to put anyone in a compromising situation,” said a Columbia Heights political reporter who writes for a popular online journal.

He’s been to small D.C. dinner parties that include marijuana, but smokers are unequivocally discreet, more so than in other places he has lived.

“Someone might say: ‘Do you want to come upstairs?’ It’s just understood, and you disappear for a while. When you come back downstairs the people who are downstairs know not to ask anything. You just carry on.”

Etiquette experts say simple discretion is key.

“There is definitely something known as too much information,” said Jodi Smith, the author of five books about social guidelines, including “The Etiquette Book: A Complete Guide to Modern Manners.” In other words, there’s no need to tell your Great Aunt Tilly, the strait-laced mother of your kid’s best friend or your boss that after your dinner with them, you plan to spark up a joint.

If you are in a social setting in which the host has okayed an after-dinner puff, Smith advises pot smokers to treat their stash as they would a bottle of brandy or a box of Godiva chocolates. “If you’re not willing to share, don’t take it out,” she said.

But what if you’re the host, as we were recently, and it’s your guest who wants to smoke? Do modern manners call upon you to say yes?

Absolutely not, said Cindy Post Senning, a co-director of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt. “It’s your house. And you have every right to set the standards of behavior.”

No doubt, it can all seem very prickly. But Post Senning, who has closely monitored shifting opinions on cigarette smoking, cellphone use and texting, says there is an end in sight. “We’ll have marijuana anarchy,” she said. “Then the rules will evolve.”

Kyle Spencer is a freelance writer.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Local News

Trader Joe’s customers walk in and out of the store on Monday, Nov. 20, 2023 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
New Trader Joe’s opens this week at Everett Mall

It’s a short move from a longtime location, essentially across the street, where parking was often an adventure.

Ian Bramel-Allen enters a guilty plea to second-degree murder during a plea and sentencing hearing on Wednesday, March 6, 2024, at Snohomish County Superior Court in Everett, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
‘Deep remorse’: Man gets 17 years for friend’s fatal stabbing in Edmonds

Ian Bramel-Allen, 44, pleaded guilty Wednesday to second-degree murder for killing Bret Northcutt last year at a WinCo.

Firefighters respond to a small RV and a motorhome fire on Tuesday afternoon in Marysville. (Provided by Snohomish County Fire Distrct 22)
1 injured after RV fire, explosion near Marysville

The cause of the fire in the 11600 block of 81st Avenue NE had not been determined, fire officials said.

Ashton Dedmon appears in court during his sentencing hearing on Tuesday, March 5, 2024, at Snohomish County Superior Court in Everett, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Everett Navy sailor sentenced to 90 days for fatal hit and run

Ashton Dedmon crashed into Joshua Kollman and drove away. Dedmon, a petty officer on the USS Kidd, reported he had a panic attack.

A kindergarten student works on a computer at Emerson Elementary School on Wednesday, Feb. 28, 2024, in Everett, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
‘¡Una erupción!’: Dual language programs expanding to 10 local schools

A new bill aims to support 10 new programs each year statewide. In Snohomish County, most follow a 90-10 model of Spanish and English.

Logo for news use featuring the Tulalip Indian Reservation in Snohomish County, Washington. 220118
Woman drives off cliff, dies on Tulalip Reservation

The woman fell 70 to 80 feet after driving off Priest Point Drive NW on Sunday afternoon.

Everett
Boy, 4, survives fall from Everett fourth-story apartment window

The child was being treated at Seattle Children’s. The city has a limited supply of window stops for low-income residents.

People head out to the water at low tide during an unseasonably warm day on Saturday, March 16, 2024, at Lighthouse Park in Mukilteo, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Everett shatters record high temperature by 11 degrees

On Saturday, it hit 73 degrees, breaking the previous record of 62 set in 2007.

Snohomish County Fire District #4 and Snohomish Regional Fire & Rescue respond to a motor vehicle collision for a car and pole. The driver was pronounced dead at the scene, near Triangle Bait & Tackle in Snohomish. (Snohomish County Sheriff’s Office)
Police: Troopers tried to stop driver before deadly crash in Snohomish

The man, 31, was driving at “a high rate of speed” when he crashed into a traffic light pole and died, investigators said.

Alan Dean, who is accused of the 1993 strangulation murder of 15-year-old Bothell girl Melissa Lee, appears in court during opening statements of his trial on Monday, March 18, 2024, at Snohomish County Superior Court in Everett, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
31 years later, trial opens in Bothell teen’s brutal killing

In April 1993, Melissa Lee’s body was found below Edgewater Creek Bridge. It would take 27 years to arrest Alan Dean in her death.

Logo for news use featuring the municipality of Snohomish in Snohomish County, Washington. 220118
Man dies after crashing into pole in Snohomish

Just before 1 a.m., the driver crashed into a traffic light pole at the intersection of 2nd Street and Maple Avenue.

Bodies of two men recovered after falling into Eagle Falls near Index

Two men fell into the falls and did not resurface Saturday, authorities said. After a recovery effort, two bodies were found.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.