Help! My twins won’t stop fighting

  • By John Rosemond The Charlotte Observer
  • Sunday, January 13, 2013 2:49pm
  • Life

Question: How can we help our 7-year-old twin girls stop fighting? They constantly provoke and antagonize each other. We thought this was just normal sibling conflict, but it seems to be developing into actual resentment.

One of them is now saying we love the other one more, and the other one bullies and intimidates her when we’re not looking. We seem to be doing nothing but mediating their fights. Help!

Answer: As long as you referee their squabbles, this is only going to get worse. Even the most well-intentioned referee (who’s only trying to level the playing field) ends up identifying one child as the villain and the other child as the victim.

In effect, the victim wins. The supposed villain must apologize, give the toy back, or do whatever the parent-referee thinks is necessary to make matters right again.

No matter what the particulars of any given conflict situation are, the villain always ends up feeling unjustly convicted. She begins, therefore, to plot and look for ways of evening the score.

The victim, meanwhile, begins looking for opportunities to set up the other child to look like the villain again. And around and around they, and you, go.

Parents need to understand that the “book” of sibling conflict cannot be judged by its cover. It may seem as if the child who most often occupies the role of victim is suffering abuse, but she is actually willing to endure insult and even pain in order to obtain the perverse satisfaction of seeing her sibling humiliated and punished.

In the long run the role of victim becomes increasingly incorporated into her social behavior, and she begins playing it with other children.

The only way to solve this problem is to put both children in the same boat; to hold them, in other words, equally responsible for the problem. That requires that you stop refereeing, that you stop assigning the roles of villain and victim, no matter what the situation looks like on the surface.

Tell them that from now on, they are responsible for solving their problems. If they get you involved by complaining, tattling or creating a loud ruckus that attracts your attention, both of them will sit in separate chairs, in separate areas of the house, for one hour.

That’s the “warning shot” across the bow. The second such offense on any given day results in both of them being confined to separate areas of the home for the rest of the day and early bedtime. In that event, make sure that the separate areas are equally boring. Must be fair, you know.

Done consistently and dispassionately, that will motivate them to solve their problems without involving you. This plan may also greatly improve their relationship (not right away, mind you, but eventually) because it requires them to cooperate and collaborate.

In effect, you become the villains, and their job is to keep you off their backs.

A more peaceful home is just around the corner.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions at www.rosemond.com.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

The Moonlight Swing Orchestra will play classic sounds of the Big Band Era on April 21 in Everett. (submitted photo)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Relive the Big Band Era at the Port Gardner Music Society’s final concert of the season in Everett.

2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD (Honda)
2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD

Honda cedes big boy pickup trucks to the likes of Ford, Dodge… Continue reading

Would you want to give something as elaborate as this a name as mundane as “bread box”? A French Provincial piece practically demands the French name panetiere.
A panetiere isn’t your modern bread box. It’s a treasure of French culture

This elaborately carved French antique may be old, but it’s still capable of keeping its leavened contents perfectly fresh.

(Judy Newton / Great Plant Picks)
Great Plant Pick: Mouse plant

What: Arisarum proboscideum, also known as mouse plant, is an herbaceous woodland… Continue reading

Bright green Japanese maple leaves are illuminated by spring sunlight. (Getty Images)
Confessions of a ‘plantophile’: I’m a bit of a junky for Japanese maples

In fact, my addiction to these glorious, all-season specimens seems to be contagious. Fortunately, there’s no known cure.

2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited (Hyundai)
2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited

The 2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited is a sporty, all-electric, all-wheel drive sedan that will quickly win your heart.

The 2024 Dodge Hornet R/T hybrid’s face has the twin red lines signifying the brand’s focus on performance. (Dodge)
2024 Hornet R/T is first electrified performance vehicle from Dodge

The all-new compact SUV travels 32 miles on pure electric power, and up to 360 miles in hybrid mode.

Don’t blow a bundle on glass supposedly made by the Henry William Stiegel

Why? Faked signatures, reused molds and imitated styles can make it unclear who actually made any given piece of glass.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.