•"Houston Chronicle reporter fired for stripper gig lands new journalism job": Sarah Tressler, 30, was fired as a society reporter after failing to inform her supervisors of her after-hours career to supplement her newspaper salary, which she chronicled on her blog, "Diary of an Angry Stripper." The San Antonio Express-News has subsequently hired her as a police reporter.
Meanwhile, out-of-work journalists are scrambling for the rights to her book, which everyone agrees would make a great musical.
•"Octomom goes back on welfare": That's like four families going back on welfare. Since a Kansas sperm donor was recently ordered to pay child support, is it possible Nadya Suleman's fertility doctor, Michael Kamrava -- currently working to regain his revoked California medical license -- could be legally persuaded to kick in just a little to help support Suleman's 14 children?
"Stomach-pumping machine makes calories disappear": A group of inventors, including the creator of the Segway -- the device that frees us from the burden of walking -- have come up with a gadget they say lets people eat what they want and not gain weight. The AspireAssist machine sucks the food right out of the stomach. The further details of which are not appetizing at all, helping those around the AspireAssist users to lose weight as well, whether they want to or not.
"WSJ says Bank of America wants a 'mortgage mulligan' ": Of course they do. Never mind the fact that's all that thousands of mortgage holders wanted from Bank of America, only to be ignored, sold, or foreclosed on.
"UNLV's new football stadium will have a 100-yard video screen" and "Mariners adding really big video board at Safeco Field": Sporting event promoters won't rest until they successfully recreate the experience of watching a game from the comfort of your couch, at the arena.
"Want to Be CEO? What's Your BMI?" and "Weighty verdict: Male jurors biased against heavy women": In the interest of time and equality, can we dispense with the study-by-study evidence of bias, and go ahead and admit that overweight people can, and do, face discrimination in all areas of life?
"Man reportedly outsources his own job to China, watches cat videos": Is his name George Costanza? Somebody's been watching too many reruns of "Seinfeld." How lazy can we get? Get off the couch and go to a sporting event, for crying out loud.
"Brazil judge orders '50 Shades of Grey' removed": The judge ordered the best-selling erotic trilogy be kept on shelves where kids can't get their hands on them after he saw children in one of Rio de Janeiro's bookstores looking through erotic books. What a heartwarming story of days gone by! Children sneaking peeks at "erotica" in books, as opposed to viewing full-on online pornography, plus a reference to a city's bookstores, plural.
"Why concierge medicine will get bigger": Because of the growing divide between the haves and the have nots?
"Couple glues 60,000 pennies to bedroom floor": Any thoughts?
•"Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly says he wants Maria Shriver back": Oh. Well, in that case then, someone summon Maria.
"Donald Trump wants The New York Times": Oh. Well, in that case then, someone summon the Sulzberger family, which has owned the paper for more than a century,
"Lance Armstrong: 'I want to compete'": Oh. Well, in that case then, let the competition begin! Actually, he wants to win, not compete, but details, details. In his chats with Oprah, the competitive doping expert said: "I made my bed. But if there was ever a window, would I like to run the Chicago Marathon when I'm 50? I would love to do that." Would he be willing to be tested for everything and the kitchen sink afterward?
A better prospect would be a "reality" TV show where Armstrong and other cheaters can cheat against each other in a "decathlon" of subway-riding, doping, bus-riding, steroid-loading, lying, taxi-taking, electronic-chip-manipulating, course-cutting, confessing but not repenting, all-American competition, sans actual Tonya Harding-style clubbing. Let the best cheater win!
Whatever your gig, make it a personal best this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com
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