Overheard on the police beat

"I've taken him home multiple times because he's drunk and being dumb."

"He says he doesn't really need help, and he doesn't want 911. He said he doesn't know why he passed out, but he's fine."

"They're kind of argumentative, but I don't think they'd jump on your back or anything like that."

"I'm waiving court fees because I'm sentencing you to the Department of Corrections, and I don't think you'll be earning much money."

"You have three tickets and a suspended license."
"But I didn't know!"

"We don't know her, but the bail bonds guy does."

"What do we got?"
"Well, a crazy guy walked up to the hospital totally naked."

"Last time he was wearing a balaclava and sunglasses."

"Caller says she was attacked by her cat and now her eyebrow is bleeding."

"What he sent me was the dad, unless they're twins."

"OK, we're going to arrest you now because you're just being a jerk."

"I'm with him. It looks like an armchair accident."

"I don't remember what garbage name she gave me."