Niece cares for her baby sibling at the expense of her social life

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

My sister and her husband had a baby. They have two older kids ages 17 and 14. The 17-year-old, “Nicole,” is on the shy side and we’ve always had a good relationship. The baby is 6 months, and when I hear Nicole talk about the baby, it almost sounds like her baby, not her parents’. Nicole is responsible for the baby at least three nights a week from the time she gets off school to about midnight, when my sister’s shift ends. Nicole also watches the baby quite a bit on the weekends because the 14-year-old is heavily involved in athletics.

Nicole seems to like it, but has also confided in me that she’s turned down social stuff because she was baby-sitting. Nicole also said from time to time her homework suffered, but she’s not too worried about it.

This is Nicole’s senior year of high school and instead of hanging out with friends she is babysitting. I think this is unfair, and I think Nicole gets overwhelmed, but I don’t think she knows how to tell my sister and brother-in-law that. Can I do anything to help?

— Confided In

You can encourage Nicole to stand up for herself. She’s certainly going to need it. And if she’s caving completely to her parents’ demands, then she’s getting a late start at developing self-determination skills.

But you also don’t want to be just another person cutting in on Nicole’s autonomy. So, draw her out. When she says “she’s turned down social stuff” to baby-sit, you say, “Does that bother you?” or, “Would you rather be out with friends?”

If the answer is yes, then: “Have you said that to your parents?”

If the answer is no, then assure her it’s OK to articulate what she wants and needs. Period — it’s not just about parents and siblings and babysitting.

If the answer is yes, then ask how her parents responded to that.

If she says they responded by not budging, then ask her: “How do you feel about that — do you think it’s appropriate?”

If she expresses unhappiness with their response, then ask: “What do you think you’ll do about that?”

If she expresses qualms about doing anything, then be encouraging on your way to butting out. “That’s your prerogative. You’ll be on your own soon, though, so give some thought to how you’ll handle something like this when it’s not your parents asking.”

This isn’t a script, it’s the demonstration of a point — that you can discuss this with her without actually telling her what to think or do (except the assurances here and there of what’s possible).

The way I’ve laid out the questions, at any given time Nicole can express that she prefers babysitting, or that she shares her parents’ values and sees it as her place/duty/honor to pitch in with the family responsibilities. Which is fine — the important thing here isn’t that Nicole parties with friends, but that Nicole at 17 and graduating soon is at least on the cusp of being able to speak for herself.

© 2017, Washington Post Writers Group

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

Sarah Jean Muncey-Gordon puts on some BITCHSTIX lip oil at Bandbox Beauty Supply on Tuesday, Jan. 9, 2024, in Langley, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Bandbox Beauty was made for Whidbey Island locals, by an island local

Founder Sarah Muncey-Gordon said Langley is in a renaissance, and she’s proud to be a part of it.

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

Byrds co-founder Roger McGuinn, seen here in 2013, will perform April 20 in Edmonds. (Associated Press)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

R0ck ‘n’ Roll Hall of Famer Roger McGuinn, frontman of The Byrds, plans a gig in Edmonds in April.

Mother giving in to the manipulation her daughter fake crying for candy
Can children be bribed into good behavior?

Only in the short term. What we want to do is promote good habits over the course of the child’s life.

Speech Bubble Puzzle and Discussion
When conflict flares, keep calm and stand your ground

Most adults don’t like dissension. They avoid it, try to get around it, under it, or over it.

The colorful Nyhavn neighborhood is the place to moor on a sunny day in Copenhagen. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves: Embrace hygge and save cash in Copenhagen

Where else would Hans Christian Andersen, a mermaid statue and lovingly decorated open-face sandwiches be the icons of a major capital?

Last Call is a festured artist at the 2024 DeMiero Jazz Festival: in Edmonds. (Photo provided by DeMiero Jazz Festival)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Jazz ensemble Last Call is one of the featured artists at the DeMiero Jazz Festival on March 7-9 in Edmonds.

Kim Helleren
Local children’s author to read at Edmonds Bookshop

Kim Helleren will read from one of her books for kids at the next monthly Story Time at Edmonds Bookshop on March 29.

Chris Elliott
Lyft surprises traveler with a $150 cleaning charge

Jared Hakimi finds a $150 charge on his credit card after a Lyft ride. Is that allowed? And will the charge stick?

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.