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April Fools, the yolk's on you

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  • On Monday, beware prank-prone friends bearing lovely Easter egg gifts, they may be yummy chocolate, or papier-mache, like these.

    Associated Press

    On Monday, beware prank-prone friends bearing lovely Easter egg gifts, they may be yummy chocolate, or papier-mache, like these.

Due to the proximity of Easter and April Fools' Day, beware friends bearing any type of egg offering on Monday morning. Let's take a crack at the lighter side of the news:
•"Belgium's chocolate stamps offer lick with a kick": Hello, United States Postal Service? Finally, a way to save the financially struggling agency. The possibilities are endless, if that recent Lays Potato Chips competition is any indication. The Sealed with Love and Chicken & Waffles commemorative stamp could save Saturday delivery alone. (And forever change the meaning of "food stamps.")
"Ill. man arrested in NJ with stolen Wis. cheese": Who knows what the truck driver, found with 42,000 pounds of cheese, planned to do with his haul. But that amount would indicate "intent to distribute," according to every episode of "Law & Order" ever made. So it was confiscated and can be used by the government. Mmm. Stolen Muenster cheese stamps.
"N.Y. to Amsterdam flight fueled by cooking oil": The KLM flights from Kennedy Airport are powered by a combination of 25 percent recycled cooking oil and 75 percent jet fuel. The mix includes leftover oil from frying Louisiana's Cajun food.
Wow. The great business ideas keep flying. Every airline could partner with a major producer of cooking oil, and offer cheaper flights that come with a meal. For example, Alaska Air and Ivars teaming up for "Keep Clam" flights. Hawaiian and Hormel Airlines could offer deep-fried Spam. And Southwest 'n' KFC's finger-licking-good original recipe flights are a given. (Just don't refer to the plane as a "bucket.")
•"Wall Street sees opportunity in marijuana": You don't say... A most triumphant opportunity, it would seem, if Delta Dunkin' Donuts Airlines is any indication.
"Hunters boycott Colorado over gun laws": Meanwhile, deer, elk and other assorted animals were happily making reservations to visit the Rocky Mountain state. (Traveling on American Eagle and Other Wildlife Airlines, which offers deep-fried woody plant treats.)
"$200,000 car gives back massages while you drive": For that amount, a car should, at the very least, give you a back massage while it drives.
"Specialty license plates feature Hawks, Sounders logos": Hmm. The Sounders logo ... would that be the X-Box logo?
"Honda putting first vacuum cleaner into minivans": The appliance will be located in a rear tire well, guaranteeing a new twist on an old theme when it comes to transporting siblings in a vehicle: "Mom, Tommy keeps vacuuming me!"
(It will also, however, allow for the evolution of the first ever dog to crate, groom and vacuum up after himself in the back, given there is a Lassie instructional movie showing on the DVD player.)
•"Fisherman hooks two headed shark": "Told you so," the one head was heard telling the other.
"'Young and Restless' a ripe old 40": Plans by advertisers to change the venerable soap opera's name to the "Middle-aged and Restless Leg Syndrome" or "Young and ADHD" were nixed in time as nip and tucked Baby Boomer executives declared the show will now be called "Forever Young and Restless."
"Scientists castrate Iberian Lynx to prevent them from extinction": That's so counter-intuitive, it must make sense, somehow. Hopefully. Otherwise, it sure sounds like, "We had to destroy the village in order to save it."
"Hugh Hefner on women: 'I saved the best till last'": Saved? Well, sure. Except for the fact that she wasn't even born until he was many decades into his Playboy life. But it wouldn't do to say, "I lived long enough for my current wife to be born."
"Former law-and-order candidate accused of stealing nuts": In 2010, the Alabama agriculture commissioner candidate pledged to "name names and take no prisoners" in an effort to crack down on crime. This week, he was arrested for the second time this year for eating cashews out of the container at a Sam's Club and then putting it back on the shelf.
"Since when is an independent, spot-inspection of nuts a crime?" the suspect didn't say. (Speaking of naming names, how many nuts can you name?)
Use "hardboiled" in a non-egg sentence this week.

Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, cmacpherson@heraldnet.com

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