•"Goat that walked into Mont. bar was taken from zoo": The rabbi and minister that followed her in were taken from an old joke.
"J.C. Penney CEO 2012 pay package drops 96%": That's not a discount, it's the every-day low price, CEO Ron Johnson was told. Of course, with his "pay package," a 96 percent "drop" translates to this: Johnson, who received a 2011 stock grant worth $52.7 million when he was hired to reinvigorate J.C. Penney, "received just $1.9 million in his first full year at the now-struggling retailer." So giving the CEO $1.9 million for posting a $1 billion operating loss last year is the company's expression of displeasure. Ouch? Only in CEOLand. Make him fold some sweaters while you're at it.
"Easter egg hunt at Seattle zoo turns violent": Way to go, moms. Destroying the city's carefully crafted "passive-aggressive" reputation.
"Pa. inmate denies hiding phone in prosthetic leg": But his vibrating knee playing the Clash's "I Fought The Law" said otherwise.
"New species of giant tarantulas with leg span of eight inches discovered in northern Sri Lanka": A researcher named the new spider "Poecilotheria rajaei" in honor of a police officer who helped the research team wade through war-torn northern Sri Lanka.
"It can be quite attractive, unless spiders freak you out," British Tarantula Society journal editor Peter Kirk said. Well, there's that. But what a cure for spider phobia. Just trek through a war-torn country.
•"NBA's Stern: Decision on Kings sale may be delayed": To reflect modern times, economic and social, perhaps Seattle and Sacramento should become the first cities to share a team, co-custody-style or merger. The Sonic-Kings would enjoy double the home-court advantage and shared expenses, among other benefits. Team motto: "Keep the steals on the court."
"The mobile phone turns 40 years old": But through years of slimming down, and cosmetic surgery, now looks positively pre-teen.
"All 18 taxis in NH's largest city pulled off road": Quick, name the city. (Ala "Cash Cab.) That's correct. Manchester. OK geography geniuses, since you are on a roll, name two more cities in New Hampshire. (There are 13. And 221 cities.) Clue: Keene and Laconia aren't a clothing line.
"Ex-senator Scott Brown thinks about comeback in N.H.": Even though he's not polling well in North Sandwich or East Candia.
"Bellevue man's letter set for auction": Michael Crick, son of the co-discoverer of the structure of DNA, Francis Crick, will auction off a letter his father wrote him about the breakthrough at a sale Wednesday at Christie's in New York.
Crick was 12 and a student at a boarding school when his father wrote to tell him about the discovery, which included a sketch of DNA's double helix structure. "Not to worry, I have copy," the younger Crick didn't say.
•"Big tunnel digger 'Bertha' arrives in Seattle": Finally. Something to scare the ever-living dirt out of those snouty, entitled, ever-boring lawn moles.
"Alaska town looks to ban drunk walking": Because everyone is safer on their "snow machines"?
"America has 40 million McMansions that no one wants": Turns out things were a wee bit over-built during the pre-recession boom, planners have discovered. Turns out people now want smaller, urban housing, of which there is a shortage, rather than huge suburban houses, of which there is a surplus. What an American dilemma, to have 40 million McMansions sitting around, unoccupied.
Good thing our country isn't full of homeless people, runaways, the mentally ill filling our prisons and streets, elderly people living in isolation, and myriad others who would do well to be living in a community group home.
•"Coeur d'Alene Mines to move HQ to Chicago": Gosh, say hi to Boeing from the Northwest. Yes, after 85 years, Coeur d'Alene Mines is abandoning Idaho. To reflect its defection from the Gem state, the company shortened its name to "Coeur Mining." Doesn't "heart mining" just warm your cockles?
("I've been a miner for a heart of gold" remain Neil Young song lyrics, and are not to be associated with the company in any way.)
Invest heavily in your own stock this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com
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