•"Americans prefer Miley to Syria stories by huge number":
Well, we're weary. Of everything. And what better to distract us than a 20-year-old PR machine exercising her manipulative powers? Which is also wearying, but in a naked girl kind of way. Hence our preference.
•"Worker shortage cancels Washington ferry runs":
They ran out of workers on one of the last beautiful Saturdays of summer? Shocking. Simply shocking.
•"Woman drives into lake while texting":
Some Americans prefer these types of stories to all others. (She was unhurt.) Don't text and dive. Er, drive.
•"No end in sight for 10-year-old divorce case":
As Cosmo Kramer told a bickering Jerry and Elaine on an episode of "Seinfeld": "Can't you two see that you're in love with each other?" (Perhaps there should be some kind of common-law divorce that kicks in after a certain period of time.)
•"Employers posted fewer jobs, but hired more":
So, jobs went unadvertised, but were filled? That sounds like our traditional it's-who-you-know economy.
•"Haves and have-nots as health care markets open":
That sounds about right.
•"Top 1% take biggest income slice on record":
The U.S. is just too top heavy. Which may be why the 99 percent are twerking.
•"Need a hug? Meet the Northwest's professional cuddler":
For $60 per hour, Portland resident Samantha Hess will cuddle (hugging and holding only) with lonely and/or touch-deprived clients. Prompting the question: Where does one earn a cuddling degree or license, in order to be able to advertise oneself as a "professional cuddler"? You certainly wouldn't want an unprofessional cuddler to hug you. Experienced spooners only. Or does "professional" just really mean you charge for your services, whatever they might be?
(If it turns out you feel even more blue after paying someone to hug you, it's best to watch some "Seinfeld" episodes as an antidote.)
•"Seattle-flavored ice cream gets a name!":
Ben & Jerry's is calling it "Sweetness in Seattle!" It involves Caffe Vita-infused Theo Chocolate, King5 reports. Hmm. Coffee and chocolate, sounds wonderful, but not necessarily "sweet," if made right. But never mind the bitter ingredients when you can make a tired play on "Sleepless in Seattle." (Actually, coffee-chocolate ice cream should achieve that state, too.)
•"There's a peanut in the center of our galaxy":
Or in more scientific terms, our galaxy has an outie belly button.
•"Facebook's Zuckerberg says government "blew it" explaining NSA spying":
"If you explain it right, people "like" it," Zuckerberg did not say.
•"$845,000 Porsche hybrid gets better gas mileage than Prius":
Wow. Does it get a million miles to the gallon at that price? It would seem $845,000 kind of defeats the point of a "green" car. Unless you're rich, of course.
•"Boeing likely to be sole bidder on new Air Force One":
Good. So if it catches on fire we won't have to worry about sabotage. Wait. Unless it's outsourced. Never mind.
•"Tom Brady: 'I have to do a better job with my body language'":
Don't we all? (In my case, a little nuance would be nice, instead of say, the obvious spilling of coffee, which has no subtext.)
•"High court rejects Kemper Freeman's attempt to stop I-90 light rail":
But the Bellevue developer, who in 2011 convinced the city to allow helicopters to land on a high-rise building downtown five days a week to cater to his own commute, tried really, really hard to stop light rail from coming.
He tried all the way to the state Supreme Court to keep other citizens from the transportation of their choice. (Within Bellevue, 58 percent of voters in 2008 supported a regional sales-tax increase to fund suburban rail extensions.)
Freeman's transportation adviser, Bruce Nurse, told the Seattle Times that no further lawsuits have been discussed, and he seriously doubts there will be any. "We're getting somewhat battle-fatigued from fighting the government," Nurse said. And the people.
(Speaking of fatigue, Nurse needs to do a better job with his spoken language. People are tired and insulted by the inappropriate use of "war" language to describe non-warfare, especially lawsuits.)
•"Colleges cater financial aid to wealthy, poor left behind": Uh. Why would the wealthy need financial aid?
It's nonsense like this that also sends people scurrying for Miley stories. Or a professional cuddler.
Be careful parallel-parking your helicopter this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org
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