•"Officer dressed as turkey patrols Vegas crosswalks": What are the odds someone was dumb enough to make a "stuffing" comment near the officer?
"Marlboro maker Philip Morris to enter e-cigarette business": But(t) of course.
"OKC bomb squad says suspicious item was a burrito": While gut bombs can be explosive, they generally don't pose a public danger that requires our expertise, the bomb squad captain explained to the nervous discoverer.
"Cheney sisters trade barbs over same-sex marriage": Isn't America great? Where's the reality TV show offer? And if the Cheney sisters get tired of squabbling, they should try their hand as lounge singers who perform really bad song medleys just like The Sweeney Sisters (Candy and Liz Sweeney) on Saturday Night Live way back in the 1980s. ("Clang, clang, clang went the trolly! Ding, ding, ding went the bell!")
"'Late starters' still have much to gain by exercising": The same holds true for other late-blooming endeavors: Travel, taking classes, or volunteering. Tipping big, living large, or living light, for example. Falling in love is another area where late starters still have much to gain.
"Modern life 'turning people off sex'": So that's why Luddites have that smug smile.
"23andMe raises questions about at-home genetic testing": The FDA took action after several people complained when results showed that they had German shepherd, poodle and/or rottweiler genes, with a high risk for hip dysplasia.
"No mates to answer call of island's solitary elk": Where's ElkHarmony.com when a lonely, bugling, big-antlered elk needs it?
"Google: We're bombarded by gov't requests on user data": So we need to hire more people so we can keep up!
"Topless barber charged with unlicensed cosmetology": Customers would come in and say, "Take a little off the top." And she would. Her legal problem was not her toplessness, but that she was cutting hair without a license, police said. Possible responses the woman absolutely did not make: "How am I supposed to cut hair with a license?" "How am I supposed to keep abreast of every little rule and regulation?" "What do you think of the name, 'Snippy Stripper'?"
"Beijing destroys barbecue grills to cut pollution": Sure. Target the titans of grilling. Leave the cars, and unregulated industry for another day.
"China claims victory in scrubbing Internet clean": (So much easier than cleaning the air.) Who knew it had been declared an Olympic sport? Nevertheless, give China the gold medal. If a country takes the time to censor everything, the less there is to spy on or hack into. At least they don't pretend their citizens have privacy.
"Consumer behavior aggressively tracked this season": That's right. Everyone, from Santa to the NSA, knows what you spent on that unlicensed hair cut.
Do your best lounge lizard act this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com
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