Let’s order up a plate of headlines however you like them — over easy, scrambled or fried.
”Smell lingers; many still wary of W.Va. water”: Still trying to accept the fact that the company responsible for the chemical spill into the Elks River which led to a ban on water use that affected 300,000 people, is actually named “Freedom Industries.” Of course it is. “Morally and Financially Bankrupt Industries” was already taken.
”Boeing gets a lifeline on F-18 fighters”: The report tells us: “The omnibus federal spending measure contains a down payment of $75 million for 22 of the fighters that the Navy didn’t request.” And yet, no outraged online comments from those who are otherwise always demanding “smaller government.”
”Careful what you say around chrome, someone might be eavesdropping”: Be sure to check the mic. Repeat, “Check. Check 1. Sibilance. Sibilance. Check. Check 2. Sibilance. Sibilance.” like Tom Hanks as Barry the roadie for Aerosmith when they appeared on “Wayne’s World” on Saturday Night Live, until your eavesdropper goes crazy.
”Google wants to someday put ads on your refrigerator”: Sigh. Of course it does. And it’s Microsoft that’s the monopoly? Will the fridge give you a prompt on your most-visited food? You accessed the ice cream 56 times in 48 hours? Well, here are a bunch of ads to try and sell you some more.
”Google’s next wearable device — smart contact lens”: Speak clearly into Chrome: Gosh, no thanks.
”North Korea opens marathon to Americans”: It’s called the Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love Fun Run, or Pyongyang Marathon. There are no official qualifying times for the amateur marathon, USA Today reported, but runners must either finish or stop within three hours. Organizers did not specify the punishment for participants who attempt to finish after the three-hour mark, but safe to assume hard labor is involved. And this just in — Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has been declared the supreme winner of the April 13 marathon, with a record-setting 2-hour time. Americans are invited to try and beat that.
”You can’t walk straight while texting, study confirms”: And yet the fantastical, fanatical obsession with “multitasking” continues. And it’s up to the rest of to get out of their way.
”What to watch: ‘Trendless market’ marks 2014”: The only trend is the growing expectation of instant gratification, especially when it’s not called for. The article asks: “Having trouble making money in the stock market this year? Has hitting on a winning strategy eluded you, despite finding success on virtually every stock investment last year?” Good grief. Really, you haven’t made a fortune on the stock market during the first three weeks of January? You must be doing it wrong.
”Lawmakers hope to dissect a teacher’s day”: Meanwhile, citizens hope legislators are just as eager to dissect a lawmaker’s and a lobbyist’s day.
”I”Man proposes to girlfriend while piloting plane”: Hmm. We’ll trust that it’s all romantic and based on a shared passion for flying, and not some kind of mid-air ultimatum…
Three out of four psychics agree that just because the Chinese New Year ushers in the Year of the Horse on Friday doesn’t mean the Denver Broncos have some astrological advantage in the Super Bowl.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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