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The Lighter Side of the News


Hype industry doesn't disappoint Wall Street

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The Super Bowl, (which encompasses the two weeks preceding it) is a good reminder that, while we have indeed sent many jobs overseas, the United States remains the biggest manufacturer of hype in the world. So we have that going for us! (Hype involves exclamation points!) Let's review the made-in-America headlines:
"Karaoke 101: How to do it right in Seattle": Hmm. Let's see. Just guessing, but how about: 1. Take it too seriously. 2. Write up some condescending rules implying everyone is "doing it wrong." 3. Keep your carefully crafted ironic distance.
"Congresswoman says she supports equal pay laws, voted against them four times": That's Washington's own Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers. Does she understand how it works? Is it possible she's just "doing it wrong"? There must be a "Voting in Congress 101" somewhere online.
"Scientists develop glasses that will bend but won't break": Great news, except for the fact that they look like glasses that will bend but not break. Where are all the fashionable, designer-eyewear creating scientists? Such as Professor Vaurnet? Paging Drs. Dolce & Gabbana to the bend-but-won't-break lab.
"Is it a date? Or hanging out? Survey reflects confusion": The survey asked: Has texting made it more difficult to determine whether an outing is an actual date? No wonder the survey reflects confusion. What are they asking about? Texting used as a means to make arrangements to be with someone, or texting that goes on while out with someone? Or are they talking about Phones With Benefits, where you date your phone, which is another matter entirely? Siri, are we on a date?
"What are our most corrupt states?" Hmm. Let's go with: 1. Drunk with power/money/fame. 2. Envy and greed. 3. Or do they mean Florida and such?
"Chocolate-flavored toothpaste new Crest creation": What, no bacon mouthwash? No Skittles-flavored floss?
"'Gaming' the system: NSA sucking data from apps like 'Angry Birds'": Well, it seems a bit much, but as long as all the spying leads to the prevention of such things like the Boston Marathon bombing. Oh, wait.
"Will pre-ordering shorten wait at Starbucks?": Because waiting, of course, is antithesis to the true coffee house experience. Oh, wait. (Why not save time and go ahead and merge with McDonalds and become McBucks?)
"Rep. Michael Grimm's threat adds to reputation as a hothead": Yes, telling a TV reporter "I'll break you in half. Like a boy" will, in fact, add to one's reputation as a "hothead," or "worse."
"Harsh winter bringing huge toll of highway pileups": Or more precisely, people who insist on attempting to drive in dangerous snowstorm conditions ... bring huge toll of highway pileups.
"Amazon 4Q earnings grow but miss expectations" and "Boeing's forecast for 2014 disappoints Wall Street" and "Costco's November sales miss Wall Street's forecast": Good ol' know-it-all Wall Street with its never-ending irrelevant expectations and forecasts. Go ahead and add "stock market" to that list of "most corrupt states."
Call your own audibles today. Tacoma! Tacoma! Puyallup! Puyallup! Hut, hut, pass the chips!
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, cmacpherson@heraldnet.com

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