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The Lighter Side of the News


February bound to end, one of these days

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Since the short yet extremely long era of February is experienced in tortoise years (as opposed to the speedy dog days of summer), the mathematical formula tells us it's only 90 more days until the month finally ends on Friday. Let's time travel through the headlines. (Did Mr. Peabody and Sherman ever cross time-travel paths with Mr. Wizard and Tooter Turtle?)
"Kansas bill would allow spanking that leaves marks": How very specific of them. (Not to mention brutal, backward and otherwise known as "assault.") Current Kansas law allows spanking, but not the leaving of marks, which apparently was too difficult to achieve for the parents, caregivers and teachers who sought a change in the law. Help, Mr. Wizard, please reverse the corporal punishment devolution.
"$1 toll recommended for new Seattle tunnel": Gee, that's really going to be a bargain when the tunnel opens in 2099.
"Canada women beat US 3-2 in OT for Olympic gold": Why the caveman-speak headline? Did not the Canadian women beat the U.S. team? (Perhaps confusing the issue is the fact that "Canada geese" is correct, not "Canadian geese.") Of course it's not a big deal, except to an America columnist, picky copy editors, English teachers and Canadians.
"Newly elected President Of Institute of Medicine is on the Pepsico Board Of Directors": Of course he is. Cardiologist Victor Dzau, who is the Chancellor for Health Affairs at Duke University, also serves on three other corporate boards (and owns shares of each), reports Larry Husten in Forbes. But this is par for the course in our "1984" world, just like Coca-Cola Co. creating a "consumer alliance" with the American Academy of Family Physicians in 2009 to sponsor advice on sugar-free alternatives to soft drinks." All covered under your Coca-Cola-Care provider.
Ad revenue likely to start flowing to state parks": Flowing revenue? Good luck with that.. Even if the Legislature approves a bill allowing the sale of commercial advertising in the state's 117 developed parks.
Take it from newspapers, TV, and everybody and their grandmother who has a website: The competition for that "ad revenue" has never been more fierce or between so many hungry forces. (People can sell space on their cars, and their foreheads, for crying out loud.)
Also, advertising has never been more targeted, as anyone who has been followed around online by an advertisement for something they happened to click on, or have already purchased. So, other than REI and Smoky Bear public service announcements, exactly who is clamoring to place an ad in a park? But if Everett-America columnist wrong, as she often is, by all means, lets all take a ride on the Flowing Revenue River.
"A quarter of Americans think the Sun revolves around the Earth": Help? Mr. Wizard? Mr. Peabody?
Meanwhile, nervous children of "helicopter parents" have been reassured that the sun and the moon do, in fact, revolve around them.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, cmacpherson@heraldnet.com

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