Let’s do a dramatic reading of the headlines:
“Why the 2016 presidential campaign will be the worst ever”: Because apparently it’s already under way?
“Has Sounders FC’s third jersey leaked?”: Was it supposed to be waterproof?
“Everett store raided in food-stamp investigation”: The shutdown of A1 Smoke & Grocery at Colby and Everett avenues leaves just a single business at the end of that tiny strip mall: A Pizza House. Of course getting rid of bad business is a good thing. But where are all the good, legitimate businesses? Downtown Everett could sure use some Boeing-type attention from city leaders.
“Second smoke shop raided in probe of food-stamp fraud”: Doesn’t it seem like Everett has more mini-marts per square mile than other cities?
“?‘Consumer Reports’ says to avoid these new cars”: In the “luxury SUV” category, the magazine knocks the Land Rover Range Rover Evoque for a “choppy ride, a noisy cabin, and disconcerting emergency handling.” Disconcerting emergency handling does indeed sound bad. But worse, and ensuring its failure, is that name.
Some vehicles suffer from “invent-a-word” naming conventions: Azera, Avenza and Tiguan. Come, on, for crying out loud. And others have pseudo motivator monikers: Achieva, Aspire and Esteem. But using a French version of a word, Evoque, rather than Evoke, for a British Land Rover Range Rover? Is that what makes it luxurious? Oui, oui.
Is one supposed to evoke the envy of others as you tear up a hillside, despite the disconcerting emergency handling?
“Woman gives birth in New York City crosswalk”: Giving her child, should he or she ever need it, immediate and lifelong access to the hard-to-quantify commodity known as “street cred.” (Especially if you use a little creative license and claim the baby wasn’t born in a crosswalk, but while mom was jaywalking.)
“Paula Deen: I’m like ‘that black football player’”: (Boy, that must be news to Michael Sam.) Except, of course, she’s not. In any way, shape or form. He did something brave. She did something shameful. And now she has again, comparing herself to him.
The “celebrity” chef announced she’s “back in the saddle” after her food empire imploded nine months ago when she admitted using a racial slur in the past. “I’m fighting to get my name back,” Deen told People magazine. “I feel like ‘embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out.” She was referring to Sam, an NFL prospect who (in a historic first) came out as gay, and then basically said, that’s that, let’s play football.
Apparently, for Deen, “getting back in the saddle” means “putting my gol darn foot right back in mouth.”
Deep-fried good grief.
“Chrome now has hands-free Google Voice Search”: So be careful when you say, “*^$^@&*&#(*& Google.”
When you got back in the saddle, what deep feelings did it evoque?
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com
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