He jokes that he didn't make a profane amount of money. He didn't make an obscene amount of money.
“I made a sacrilegious amount of money,” Oswalt says in a show that aired on Comedy Central in April. “Like Jesus should have come down and kicked me in the face.”
Oswalt recalls the sea of liquor, the yelling and the fun of his one-night performance at the Tulalip Resort Casino in 2012.
He also describes the palatial suite where he stayed for the night.
“I entered a hotel room that — and I'm not exaggerating — was bigger than any house or apartment that I've ever lived in my life,” Oswalt said in the show.
Tulalip Resort Casino general manager Samuel Askew said Oswalt “took some poetic license with his pay.”
“Comedians, it all becomes a joke to them,” Askew said
What Oswalt didn't embellish, or at least not much, was the luxuriousness of his suite.
The entertainer was put up in the Players Suite, one of five specialty suites on the resort's 12th floor.
The suites are the best of the best of the 372-room resort, a property rated four diamonds by AAA and four stars from Forbes.
And two years ago, the Washington Lodging Association voted the Tulalip Resort Casino outstanding property of the year for the state, the first time that honor was given to a tribal property.
So these suites are tops in the county and among the best in the state.
“They're beautiful,” said Tika Armendariz, who works at the concierge desk at the hotel. “They're gorgeous. I would live in them forever if they would let me.”
Each of the rooms are themed differently, designed and built to satisfy varying tastes, Askew said.
“Rather than try to have one room that is the be all and end all to everyone, we came up with the idea to accommodate the needs and desires of the specific individual,” Askew said. “Therefore we have the five different suites.”
The Players Suite where Oswalt stayed is built as a kind of mancave with American Leather couches, games and artwork of sports teams including autographed jerseys from teams like the Mariners to the Silvertips.
“We obviously support the home team,” Askew said.
The 1,500-square-foot suite costs $2,500 a night, which includes a $500 food and beverage credit.
It occupies five rooms. In one corner, an arcade-style Golden Tee game is set up. In another part of the suite is a dartboard and a black-felt pool table, which is waxed, balanced and re-clothed every year.
“We had a quote and came real close when we thought the Sonics were coming back to Seattle of having a specialty one with the ‘Return of the Sonics' on it,” said Askew of the pool table's cloth. “Since it hasn't come to fruition yet, we're waiting on that.”
There's a Wii, an XBox and a Playstation 3 with a constantly updated library of games, Askew said. For a fee, the casino will send a bartender to work the in-room bar.
“If you wanted to have cocktails or hors d'oeuvre, we could have a bartender come up and take care of full bar service,” Askew said.
What's new to the room since Oswalt stayed there is a tribute to the Seattle Seahawks and their 2014 NFL championship run.
A wall is painted with Seahawks colors, features autographed photos of the players and holds a framed copy of The Herald the day after the Hawks won the Super Bowl.
The small details make the suite. The gold shag rug in the living room. The contemporary art nude photos in the bedroom.
Tile cut in the walls of the bathroom that match the fireplace of the bedroom. The rain showerhead in the shower with the body spray shower heads.
It's no wonder Oswalt enjoyed the room.
Here's the kicker: It's not even the most fabulous room at the resort.
That honor lies with the Tulalip Suite, the casino's ode to opulence. The six-room suite has been the host of governors, ambassadors and presidential cabinet members.
“This is also the room where we've hosted quite a number of important tribal meetings,” Askew said. “This is the best of the best.”
The 2,500-square-foot suite costs $5,000 a night, which includes a $1,000 food and beverage credit.
The centerpiece of the Tulalip Suite is a baby grand piano that is tuned several times a year. Want some live music for the night?
“We can have a pianist on site within a half an hour,” Askew said.
And the details — with luxury in every corner — make up this room as well. Most of the fixtures are custom-made for the grand suites. The Interior Design International firm in Seattle was given carte blanche to create a unique experience for these specialty suites. The counter in the bathroom is made of a special clear-and-red resin. It matches the red light that illuminates the shower, which is made to be larger than most hotel bathrooms.
“We've given a tour to Seattle hospitality and we literally had 20 people in it,” Askew said.
The Tulalip Suite also features a kitchen with custom-made sink that can be used for icing down wine, champagne or seafood.
“It's perfect for oysters on the half shell,” Askew said.
All of the suites feature specialty travel bags that include special soaps for the baths that guests take home.
Each specialty bag is designed for each room. The rooms also come with black-cloth robes.
The other suites are a tech suite equipped with the latest and best gizmos for people to play with and the Pan Asian and Grand Asian suites, which appeal to the growing number of Asian patrons.
The suites have an occupancy rate of about 80 percent, similar to the rest of the hotel.
Askew says that's for people paying for the rooms and for “high-value” casino customers who are comped the rooms. The rooms are also used for the casino's entertainers like Oswalt.
“Poetic license aside, Patton's loved by our guests,” Askew said. “He's welcome to come back and perform any time.”
Patton Oswalt's take (may not be safe for work, depending on where you work):