Is 5-year-old touching normal or serious?

  • By John Rosemond McClatchy-Tribune News Service
  • Thursday, August 21, 2014 1:12pm
  • Life

Q: Our 5-year-old grandson sees his 5-year-old female first cousin from time to time. After they play for a while, he tells her he wants to “touch” her. This has happened twice in recent months. Her parents are very upset, but our grandson’s parents read lots of parenting books and seem to think it’s no big deal. Your thoughts on this matter?

A: This is one of those subjects that’s impossible for me to tackle without infuriating someone. Oh, well, so be it. It’s an important issue, so tackle it I will, without regard for the soon-to-be incoming missles.

I can’t tell how serious this is on a scale of one to 10, and to some degree that’s a very subjective matter. It would appear from your description that the girl’s parents give it a 10, and understandably so. If I were in their shoes, I’d give it an 11. The fact that the boy’s parents assign it little importance is disrespectful (more on that in a moment) and may be defensive on their part. Today’s parents are notorious for minimizing behavior problems and even denying that their kids misbehave at all.

On the one hand, this may be simple curiosity on your grandson’s part. Boys usually initiate the age-old “you show me yours and I’ll show you mine” game, and a boy will usually propose this particular exchange to a female playmate around age 5. In and of itself, the fact that some touching occurs during these exchanges is nothing to be greatly upset about. Touching, mind you, not fondling.

On the other hand, it’s possible that your grandson’s normal desire to know what female bodies look like has become intensified by something he saw in a magazine or a video. Unfortunately, (the question of whether such material is even appropriate for adults aside) adults are sometimes lazy about making sure that material of that sort is out of the reach of children. If your grandson has been “sexualized” through some medium or experience, then his behavior is more than mere curiosity and merits considerable concern and firm, resolute action on the part of his parents.

When all is said and done, if one set of parents — the girl’s, in this case — is upset about these episodes, then that becomes the default position. In that event, the boy’s parents need to make perfectly clear to him that this behavior is not to happen again and make equally clear that if it does there will be meaningful consequences.

They should also require that he apologize to his cousin in front of both sets of parents and promise her that it won’t happen again. Their low rating of the seriousness of these episodes isn’t relevant. They should take this approach out of respect for the girl’s parents.

Adults need to stick together in matters of this sort.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

The Moonlight Swing Orchestra will play classic sounds of the Big Band Era on April 21 in Everett. (submitted photo)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Relive the Big Band Era at the Port Gardner Music Society’s final concert of the season in Everett.

2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD (Honda)
2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD

Honda cedes big boy pickup trucks to the likes of Ford, Dodge… Continue reading

Would you want to give something as elaborate as this a name as mundane as “bread box”? A French Provincial piece practically demands the French name panetiere.
A panetiere isn’t your modern bread box. It’s a treasure of French culture

This elaborately carved French antique may be old, but it’s still capable of keeping its leavened contents perfectly fresh.

(Judy Newton / Great Plant Picks)
Great Plant Pick: Mouse plant

What: Arisarum proboscideum, also known as mouse plant, is an herbaceous woodland… Continue reading

Bright green Japanese maple leaves are illuminated by spring sunlight. (Getty Images)
Confessions of a ‘plantophile’: I’m a bit of a junky for Japanese maples

In fact, my addiction to these glorious, all-season specimens seems to be contagious. Fortunately, there’s no known cure.

2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited (Hyundai)
2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited

The 2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited is a sporty, all-electric, all-wheel drive sedan that will quickly win your heart.

The 2024 Dodge Hornet R/T hybrid’s face has the twin red lines signifying the brand’s focus on performance. (Dodge)
2024 Hornet R/T is first electrified performance vehicle from Dodge

The all-new compact SUV travels 32 miles on pure electric power, and up to 360 miles in hybrid mode.

Don’t blow a bundle on glass supposedly made by the Henry William Stiegel

Why? Faked signatures, reused molds and imitated styles can make it unclear who actually made any given piece of glass.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.