What to do when friendship runs its course

Hi, Carolyn:

The abbreviated version is that my husband and I were very close friends with another couple, “Bill” and “Sara,” and that couple’s marriage has dissolved recently and spectacularly.

In the beginning, we attempted to stay neutral and support each party, but as time has passed and things have come to light, my husband and I have both gravitated to Bill’s side for various reasons. The problem is how to handle this with Sara, who is emotionally unstable, and also coming to town for a work meeting in a few weeks with the expectation of meeting up with us. We don’t feel like it’s a great idea.

I’m torn because I feel genuine empathy for Sara, but can’t see how to be a good friend to her anymore. This is especially hard because I always thought of myself as a loyal person. I think our friendship has run its course because of how their marriage ended and things that have happened in the aftermath, but I feel callous and judgmental in telling her that.

Any suggestions on what to say, and how to say it?

— Navigating a Divorce of Friends

Not to be a stickler or anything, but you’re already judgmental for what you’re thinking; it’s merely the telling that has you feeling callous.

Dropping her without explanation, though, is pretty callous too.

So ask yourself whether you’re ready to say the following: “Sara, I know you want to get together when you’re in town. I’m really struggling, though, to understand (blank),” with (blank) being the thing that forced you off the fence onto Bill’s side.

If you feel comfortable saying that — if you’ve already challenged yourself on your conclusions about Sara, and you’re confident you’re believing and doing the right thing — then you owe it to Sara to say as much. If instead there’s room for doubt, then you owe it to Sara to recognize your conclusions may be premature and to keep an open mind accordingly. That includes seeing her, and treating her as a friend, when she’s in town.

While I believe that letting it drift into oblivion is among the viable options for ending a friendship, and that explanations aren’t always necessary or kind, they do become necessary when one of you is actively working to sustain the friendship. As long as Sara is doing that by pursuing plans with you, then it’s on you to be judiciously, empathetically honest with her.

Dear Ms. Hax:

Not long ago, my father gave me his will, naming me as his only beneficiary. I will get everything.

My older brother and younger sister, with whom I am close, will get nothing (we are all in our 30s). To say the least, my father and siblings are not close. My father is a difficult man to love, and my siblings are very much like him in their stubborn unwillingness to forgive. My siblings have at times treated him horribly, and the reverse is true. These petty arguments continue to this day.

I’ve contemplated the day when we all get together to review the will after his death. My brother and sister would feel betrayed by our father, rightly so, but I most fear their sense of betrayal by me for not saying something sooner.

As the executor of his estate, do I divvy up things three ways so brother and sister are never the wiser? After all, I have to live with them the rest of MY life. My father was very clear that he wanted the money to go to me and not my siblings.

— Forever the Middle Child

He wants the money to go to you, so it goes to you.

If he fails to recognize that your having everything means you’ll be free to redistribute it (whatever isn’t tied up in trusts), and if he fails to recognize that you have your own relationship with these siblings, a close one, then that’s neither your fault nor your problem.

If you can and do follow through on your (good and generous) impulse to give a third each to your brother and sister, I can argue that’s still within the scope of your father’s wishes.

That’s because his wish, specifically, is: He wants you to have everything. He wants to make that statement to his other children. So let him make it himself.

Then, that’s it — you’re free. You are bound to do what he specifies, but not bound to do what you think he would want beyond that, because how can you be — it would all be projection.

If they’re angry at you for not telling, then remind them he could have made several other changes before he died, for all you knew; it’s hardly uncommon. Then trust their thirds of the estate to speak to your loyalty. Here’s hoping this sets them free as well.