Brother-in-law’s dangerous hobby stirs worry

  • By Carolyn Hax
  • Thursday, September 25, 2014 8:28am
  • Life

Hello Carolyn:

My brother-in-law has two teenage children and he has decided his next hobby is going to be racing cars.

My wife and I are the ones responsible for raising these kids if anything happens to him. I of course realize he could be hit by a car walking across the street at any time.

The issue is his engaging in a very risky hobby while these kids are still in the house. The kids have been raised in a way that neither of us agree with and if they were to come under our care, it would be very difficult for everyone involved.

What is the best way to approach him about this? It is causing my wife incredible anxiety issues.

— Watching From the Sidelines

Seems to me the issue is not that he’s engaging in this risky hobby — as you said, he could die crossing the street, plus it’s his life to live or discard as he wishes — but instead that your wife is anxious and you want harmony restored at home. So, you’re hoping to shift that chore to the brother.

But that’s not how things work; you can’t make other people live in service of your own peace of mind (or child-rearing views).

You’re certainly welcome to ask your brother if he has thought through the consequences to his children if he is killed or severely injured, though I’ll take your realism one step further on this: Approaching parents on what-ifs is the right move for any potential guardian, not just those processing a new, high-speed hobby.

That conversation works because it is within the bounds of your business: It covers what your responsibilities will be, or won’t, in the event these kids’ dad can’t raise them.

I should say, this is something your wife can do because it falls in an area she governs. Her anxiety is just a manifestation of powerlessness, that awful feeling that we can’t do anything to prevent something that upsets us.

So for her to take action is a much more realistic path to restoring harmony than for you to beg her brother to do her bidding, because it puts her (no no don’t do it) in the driver’s seat. She can, for example, tell her brother that if he throws his life away on this hobby, then she won’t be responsible for his kids.

Yikes, you say. It is extreme — and it’s also not what I would either advise or do in this situation, because these are kids and you take them in and make it work. That’s just what “you” do, meaning you in the collective, villagey sense.

But no one can make that choice for someone who does not have the resources for it, emotional or otherwise. If the mere idea of becoming guardian to these kids so unnerves your wife that she cannot function normally, then maybe she’s not the best relief parent for them. And certainly if that’s true, then their dad must know this — before he crosses a street, much less heads to a track.

If you present this idea to your wife and she finds it even more unnerving (less nerving?) to imagine turning these kids away, then that in itself is her path to restoring calm: Just the act of identifying her role in this, of seeing that to stand ready as guardian is her choice as opposed to her fate, is empowerment to counteract her current sense of helplessness. Would you rather climb a mountain to challenge yourself, or because someone held a gun to your head?

Hi, Carolyn:

I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last nine years. He was adopted shortly after birth and grew up in a loving home. He has no desire to find his birth parents.

But I have this desire to locate his birth mom and let her know that everything turned out OK with him. I can’t imagine giving up a baby and never knowing what happened. She’d be in her late 70s by now, if she’s even alive. I wouldn’t give any specific information about him except his first name, and send some baby pictures (he was the most beautiful little boy!) and let her know what a wonderful man he grew up to be, and that she made the right choice. I just want her to have that peace of mind before she dies.

When I brought this up to my boyfriend, he was against the idea, thinking it might traumatize her. I don’t think it would, especially since I’m not trying to initiate any kind of reunion. What do you think?

— L.

I think you’re motivated by admirable compassion. Nevertheless, you are only guessing at what the birth mother might want, while you know for certain what your boyfriend wants. This is his life, his mother, his call. Please don’t press.

(c) 2014, Washington Post Writers Group

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

The Moonlight Swing Orchestra will play classic sounds of the Big Band Era on April 21 in Everett. (submitted photo)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Relive the Big Band Era at the Port Gardner Music Society’s final concert of the season in Everett.

2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD (Honda)
2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD

Honda cedes big boy pickup trucks to the likes of Ford, Dodge… Continue reading

Would you want to give something as elaborate as this a name as mundane as “bread box”? A French Provincial piece practically demands the French name panetiere.
A panetiere isn’t your modern bread box. It’s a treasure of French culture

This elaborately carved French antique may be old, but it’s still capable of keeping its leavened contents perfectly fresh.

(Judy Newton / Great Plant Picks)
Great Plant Pick: Mouse plant

What: Arisarum proboscideum, also known as mouse plant, is an herbaceous woodland… Continue reading

Bright green Japanese maple leaves are illuminated by spring sunlight. (Getty Images)
Confessions of a ‘plantophile’: I’m a bit of a junky for Japanese maples

In fact, my addiction to these glorious, all-season specimens seems to be contagious. Fortunately, there’s no known cure.

2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited (Hyundai)
2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited

The 2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited is a sporty, all-electric, all-wheel drive sedan that will quickly win your heart.

The 2024 Dodge Hornet R/T hybrid’s face has the twin red lines signifying the brand’s focus on performance. (Dodge)
2024 Hornet R/T is first electrified performance vehicle from Dodge

The all-new compact SUV travels 32 miles on pure electric power, and up to 360 miles in hybrid mode.

Don’t blow a bundle on glass supposedly made by the Henry William Stiegel

Why? Faked signatures, reused molds and imitated styles can make it unclear who actually made any given piece of glass.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.