Say what you will about Halloween, but a boy not that interested in his lunch at a teriyaki place on Friday summed it up best: “Candy! Candy! Candy!” Let’s Snickers our way through the headlines:
“Truck containing 36,000 pounds of Crisco stolen”: That’s a lot of vegetable shortening. Eighteen tons, according to the Associated Press report. While another writer may have been tempted to sneak a non-family friendly Crisco joke into the article, the AP reporter finished it thusly: “Crisco can be used for frying or making delicious baked goods.” Haha. How homey. Eighteen tons of delicious baked goods in this case.
“Microsoft CEO to women: Not asking for a raise is ‘good karma’?” and after a couple of days, “Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella apologizes again in internal memo” and “Microsoft CEO launches diversity training effort”: Surely Mr. Nadella understands that offering to be the first to complete that diversity training would be “good karma.”
“Here’s a fun conspiracy theory: why the NBA might want the Bucks in Seattle”: Because of the endless marketing possibilities with Starbucks? (I know, I know, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz sold away the Sonics … make your own vegetable shortening joke here.)
“One percent of the world own nearly half of its wealth”: Since we’re dealing in conspiracy theories, maybe Americans aren’t taught math skills on purpose.
“Underpaid employees are a cybersecurity risk”: Such employees have no trouble doing the math. And the coding. And hacking.
“Florida drive-through funeral home demolished”and “Michigan funeral home provides drive-thru option”: (The Florida funeral home was demolished on purpose, not because someone drove through it.) It’s difficult to keep up with ever-changing consumer preferences; do you want to be able to view your deceased loved ones from the comfort of your vehicle, or not?
“Beware of scam newspaper subscription notices”: Hmm. Well, if a scammer finds this worth his while, in a sad way, that would to be a good sign for newspapers …
“Everett City Council votes to extend ban on major marijuana growing operations”: You’d think a city that just balanced its budget by raising taxes and fees could find room to follow the voters’ will, and not only approve, but recruit these legitimate, money-making businesses, from production to sales. For crying out loud.
“Umpire nearly crashed car when told of first World Series assignment”: If the ump had let the phone safely go to voicemail, it just would have been one more missed call. Yar yar.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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