The headlines are piling up like Patriots’ denials of any knowledge of deflated balls, which, it turns out, has nothing to do with steroids. So let’s get blitzing.
“Deflate-Gate: Could weather have played a role in deflated balls?”: So, in other words … shrinkage?
“New Hampshire Lottery releases bacon-scented ticket”: And then, when you don’t win, you can at least recoup your costs by eating the ticket.
“Wynn releases new Everett hotel/casino design plans”: That would be Steve Wynn, the billionaire developer and chairman of Wynn Resorts in Las Vegas. Before you get your hopes up, or upset, depending on your view, that would be Everett, Massachusetts.
“Meet Kuratas: Japanese Mech robot can fire Gatling guns with a smile”: Gosh, sounds so cheerful! Hi, Kuratas!
“Astellas’ Novel Anti-Fungal Wins FDA Panel Support”: You see more headlines online that capitalize each word, which is a practice that more often confuses, than clarifies. For example, it’s easy to misinterpret this headline as an article about a novel called “Anti-Fungal.”
“Chelsea Clinton reads the news to her infant daughter every morning”: This makes me smile, in a non-Kuratas Gatling gun kind of way. (Hey, infant Charlotte, did you know that Astellas’ Novel Anti-Fungal Wins FDA Panel Support?)
“This computer program can beat anyone at poker”: Gosh, what fun! Just to mix things up, let’s see what happens when Kuratas plays poker with the unbeatable computer program.
“Tony Vernor, inventor of instant replay, dies at age 81”: Hopefully, at some point in his life, he was able to watch himself do something cool in slow motion, instant replay. Hopefully something more cinematic than inventing instant replay. Or than winning an argument with his wife. “See? I did put the milk away! Watch it again.”
“Booking a trip to the ER on your smartphone? It’s a breeze”: Uh, booking a trip to the ER? “Hello. Emergency Department? I’m planning on breaking my arm tomorrow, or rather I have a strong feeling I might break my arm tomorrow, and would like to book a stay at your fine establishment, with my arrival time between 10 and 11 a.m.”
“NASCAR driver accused of assault says ex is trained assassin”: Seems like country music fodder just keeps getting darker.
“iPhone separation anxiety is real, study says”: So sad. So stressful! And it’s not even soft and comforting, like a security blanket.
“Text with the fake boyfriend/girlfriend of your dreams”: This is what we’ve come to? Yikes. Imagine the separation anxiety when one can’t text with one’s fake boyfriend or girlfriend.
Try sitting and talking with a real person in person this week, just for kicks.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.
