Fed up with the squirrel show out my back window

There’s a 24/7 squirrel orgy going on in my backyard. Every time I look out the window squirrels are copulating on my picnic table. And on the fence. And in the trees. And in the bamboo. It’s like a really twisted show on cable.

We’re one of the few families on our cul-de-sac who don’t own a dog or cat. Our pet fish, Princess Rip-jaws, is pretty fierce, but she’s not very good at chasing squirrels away. So all of the squirrels in the neighborhood party at our house. It’s like Hugh Hefner’s backyard, only with a different kind of rodent.

The kids and I will be sitting there eating corn flakes and all of a sudden we hear loud chirping. My daughter asks “Mommy, what are those squirrels doing?” I mumble something about wrestling.

On the inside I’m thinking “It’s 8 a.m. for Pete’s sake. Keep your fur on!” Nothing ruins breakfast faster than watching squirrels hook up.

There are so many squirrels in our back yard — I swear I’m not making this up — they crawl up to the sliding glass window and stare, wrinkling their little noses like they’re taunting me: “Where are your nuts, lady?”

I don’t want to sound like a squirrel snob, but I’d be a lot more tolerant if they were cute little Douglas squirrels, which are native to Washington. But no, we’ve got the Eastern gray squirrel taking over the place.

I get worked up just writing about it and I haven’t even talked about bulbs yet.

Oh, my poor flowers! I’ve tried planting tulips in cages or sprinkling oyster shells around lilies, but it doesn’t make much difference. The squirrels think my flower bed is Old Country Buffet. The only thing that helps is to plant crown imperials nearby. But Fritillaria Imperiali make the yard smell like skunk.

Tulips I can buy at the store, but the real heartache comes from my plum tree. It’s a Beauty plum, with purplish-red skin that’s the perfect type of tart, and juicy flesh, as sweet as can be. Beauty plums make the best jam ever — if the squirrels don’t eat them first. In the six years we’ve had the tree, we’ve only harvested two crops. The buds are forming right now and I have no guarantee they’ll come to fruition.

Unfortunately, live squirrel traps aren’t the answer. Did you know that you need a hunting license to trap Eastern gray squirrels? Then, unless you have a permit, you can’t release them anywhere in Washington except on the property where they were trapped.

Removing rodents to the other side of town is illegal. But apparently, allowing young children to watch a XXX squirrel show at every meal is totally legit.

I love nature, but I’m pulling down the blinds. I’ve seen as much tail as I can handle.

Jennifer Bardsley is an Edmonds mom of two. Find her on Twitter @jennbardsley and at www.heraldnet.com/ibrakeformoms and teachingmybabytoread.com.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

The Moonlight Swing Orchestra will play classic sounds of the Big Band Era on April 21 in Everett. (submitted photo)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Relive the Big Band Era at the Port Gardner Music Society’s final concert of the season in Everett.

2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD (Honda)
2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD

Honda cedes big boy pickup trucks to the likes of Ford, Dodge… Continue reading

Would you want to give something as elaborate as this a name as mundane as “bread box”? A French Provincial piece practically demands the French name panetiere.
A panetiere isn’t your modern bread box. It’s a treasure of French culture

This elaborately carved French antique may be old, but it’s still capable of keeping its leavened contents perfectly fresh.

(Judy Newton / Great Plant Picks)
Great Plant Pick: Mouse plant

What: Arisarum proboscideum, also known as mouse plant, is an herbaceous woodland… Continue reading

Bright green Japanese maple leaves are illuminated by spring sunlight. (Getty Images)
Confessions of a ‘plantophile’: I’m a bit of a junky for Japanese maples

In fact, my addiction to these glorious, all-season specimens seems to be contagious. Fortunately, there’s no known cure.

2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited (Hyundai)
2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited

The 2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited is a sporty, all-electric, all-wheel drive sedan that will quickly win your heart.

The 2024 Dodge Hornet R/T hybrid’s face has the twin red lines signifying the brand’s focus on performance. (Dodge)
2024 Hornet R/T is first electrified performance vehicle from Dodge

The all-new compact SUV travels 32 miles on pure electric power, and up to 360 miles in hybrid mode.

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

Don’t blow a bundle on glass supposedly made by the Henry William Stiegel

Why? Faked signatures, reused molds and imitated styles can make it unclear who actually made any given piece of glass.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.