It’s allergy season, and so I wondered (in today’s Googley fashion) … and the answer is yes, there are at least two someones called “Auntie Histamine” on Facebook and Twitter. Let’s sniffle and snort at the headlines.
“Facebook: We track non-users, but it’s not intentional”: Or as the dictionary defines “snort”: an explosive sound made by the sudden forcing of breath through one’s nose, used to express indignation, derision, or incredulity.
“The importance of naming your emotions”: Like “Gladys” or “Frank”? Or like some of the Seven Dwarfs? (“I do hereby dub this emotion “Grumpy.”)
“Facelifts may make women seem more likable, study suggests”: The article notes the study was “small” and conducted by a team of plastic surgeons who found “that various facial procedures — from full facelifts to eye lifts or chin implants — can significantly boost the way a woman is perceived by strangers.”
Study author Dr. Michael Reilly, an assistant professor of otolaryngology-head and neck surgery at Georgetown University Medical Center in Washington, D.C., explains: “The reactions were very, very positive,” he said. “Yes, they saw women who appeared to them to be more likeable after surgery…”
Sigh. Are they really suggesting women get facelifts so strangers will view them in a more favorable light? Of course the plastic surgeons care not how their remarks might be perceived by strangers. Let’s name the emotion we are feeling “Miss Ogeny.”
“Teens glued to Internet, study finds”: A survey of more than 1,000 teens found 92 percent of them go online daily and 24 percent of them go online “almost constantly,” the article states. And if you’re wondering, no, plastic surgeons won’t do a study that would find that strangers perceive teens as more likeable if they would just put down the phone every once in a while, because of course teens can’t be shamed into having surgery to remove the phones from their hands.
“Sex columnist: 5 reasons why marriages don’t work”: This is a 29-year-old self-appointed “sex columnist” who has made the mistake of assuming that his marital experience is the same for everyone of his generation. Emotions range from “Sir Wrongly Extrapolating to Selfie Pity.)
“Children discovered playing with mercury at Yakima home”: Not to worry. Our core contingent of online commenters assure us this is perfectly safe! How wonderful that they have all day to generously dispense their expertise, (which they have in every topic) in the comments section.
“Seattle Seahawks’ Marshawn Lynch now selling ‘I’m just here so I won’t get fined’ T-shirts”: Has he set up a table outside the Seattle Municipal Court?
“Louisiana ranks among lowest property taxes in the U.S., study shows”: Might that be because much of the property remains literally underwater?
It might be easier, and more fun, if you just give your emotions a nickname. “Get out of my way! I’m experiencing Beast Mode.” “Go right ahead. I’m all Big Easy today.”
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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