Conception is only the beginning. Let’s see how deeply motherhood has scarred your soul. Give yourself credit for every description that applies to you …
Bodily Fluids
• You’ve done a “sniff check” to see if your baby needed a diaper change: 10 points.
• You’ve survived a poopcapocalypse in a public space: 20 points.
• Your child vomited in the car: 30 points.
• Your child vomited on you: 50 points.
• Your child pooped in the bathtub with a sibling present: 100 points.
Home Contamination
• Your dishware collection includes “Make a Plate” artwork: 10 points.
• Your bathtub looks like Toys ‘R’ Us flooded: 20 points.
• Stuffed animals breed while you go grocery shopping: 30 points.
• You’ve stepped on Legos in bare feet: 50 points.
• Sharpies are forever: 100 points.
Style, or Lack Thereof
• Right now, at this very moment, your hair is in a ponytail: 10 points.
• You own a pair of clogs: 20 points.
• There are toys, crayons and fruit leather in your washable purse: 30 points.
• In an attempt to not wear mom-jeans you’ve accidentally flashed somebody your butt: 50 points.
• Your child is 10 times more stylish than you: 100 points.
Orifices
• You’ve baby-proofed the electrical sockets in your house: 10 points.
• You’ve been to the ER to extract something from your child’s nose: 20 points.
• Your child thinks cigarettes are disgusting: 30 points.
• Thanks to your clear explanation, your child understands sex-ed: 50 points.
• You’ve considered having an accessible box of prophylactics in your house that’s filled with teenagers: 100 points.
Scary Stuff
• You’ve received a robocall that your child’s school was on lockdown: 10 points.
• You’ve lost count of how many robocalls you’ve received: 20 points.
• Your heart has almost stopped watching your child go up a ski lift: 30 points.
• You’ve taught your child how to drive: 50 points.
• You thank God for Seattle Children’s Hospital in your prayers: 100 points.
Time Marches Across Your Forehead
• Your child’s high school diploma is stored someplace in your garage: 10 points.
• You need your child’s help to fix your computer: 20 points.
• Forget vacations, you’re still paying for your child’s wedding: 30 points.
• You miss bedtime snuggles: 50 points.
• If you close your eyes and really concentrate, you still remember your baby’s smell: 100 points.
Final Tally
0-420: Mothering Novice. Your nursing bra is open and you may or may not have noticed. You deserve a 4-hour nap and the chance to visit the restroom all by yourself.
421-840: Mothering Sustainer. You’ve said to yourself on more than one occasion “At least chicken nuggets have protein.” Today you deserve breakfast in bed while your family cleans the house.
840-1260: Mothering Veteran. The kid’s CD in your minivan belongs to your grandchildren. Open your collection of cards with glee. You inspire us all.
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