Twin sister unsure of what she wants

  • By Carolyn Hax
  • Wednesday, August 12, 2015 8:20pm
  • Life

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

My twin sister is a smart, successful professional. We’re both near 40. I am married with three kids. She wants a family, too.

Unfortunately, she has had a live-in boyfriend for several years. He didn’t work for the first year after they moved (or do much of anything). Now, another year has passed. He did get hourly work.

She told him last year that she didn’t want to be with him, but never kicked him out. Now she tells me he’s not her boyfriend and she doesn’t want a family with him. Yet he remains there.

I told her she needs to kick him out, but she asked me to stop talking to her about this, and said she likes having someone around so she is not lonely. He also does things at the property. I stopped mentioning my dislike of this, but I don’t know what to tell my kids when we visit and “Joel” is still there but isn’t her boyfriend.

— Sad for Sister

If they ask, just be truthful: “I’m not sure what’s going on, but Sister obviously wants Joel in her life, so I accept him.” When appropriate, teach them that only the couple themselves can really know what goes on in their relationship, and that, barring obvious signs of abuse, it’s not your place to impose your opinion on her.

An opinion of mine: Her words say she wants a family, but her actions say she doesn’t. She might be doing what she actually wants and not feel comfortable saying so, thus the disconnect.

Re: Sad:

Could the opposite be true — they say how they really feel, but can’t act on it? What trumps, words or actions?

— Anonymous

Neither. Adulthood trumps all, in that adults with conflicting words and actions are entitled to live with those conflicts without the intrusion of well-meaning loved ones. Speak up once, yes, intervene when there’s evidence of abuse, yes — but beyond that, the words vs. actions debate for bystanders is merely academic.

For what it’s worth: It can be easy to take words as the true feelings because they’re clear. You hear, “I want marriage and children,” and you conclude she honestly wants that but gets bogged down on the way there. However, people who really want something tend to move the earth to get it — no doubt you’ve seen this yourself — so that complicates the words-prevail interpretation.

In my experience, people generally are sincere in expressing desires, but their actions tend to betray when there’s something else they want more. I’ll use me as an example: I genuinely want to be more fit. But when it comes down to it, I want my comfort and down time more. I guess you could say our words reflect our wishes but our actions reflect our priorities.

Re: Sad:

In economics, it’s called “revealed preference.” If you want to know what people really want, focus on what they do, not what they say. Leading to this joke: Two economists are walking down the street and they see an expensive sports car. Economist 1: “I’ve always wanted a Ferrari.” Economist 2: “Clearly not.” Hey … in economist circles that joke KILLS.

— Anonymous 2

Washington Post Writers Group

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Sarah Jean Muncey-Gordon puts on some BITCHSTIX lip oil at Bandbox Beauty Supply on Tuesday, Jan. 9, 2024, in Langley, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Bandbox Beauty was made for Whidbey Island locals, by an island local

Founder Sarah Muncey-Gordon said Langley is in a renaissance, and she’s proud to be a part of it.

A stroll on Rome's ancient Appian Way is a kind of time travel. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves on the Appian Way, Rome’s ancient superhighway

Twenty-nine highways fanned out from Rome, but this one was the first and remains the most legendary.

Byrds co-founder Roger McGuinn, seen here in 2013, will perform April 20 in Edmonds. (Associated Press)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

R0ck ‘n’ Roll Hall of Famer Roger McGuinn, frontman of The Byrds, plans a gig in Edmonds in April.

Mother giving in to the manipulation her daughter fake crying for candy
Can children be bribed into good behavior?

Only in the short term. What we want to do is promote good habits over the course of the child’s life.

Speech Bubble Puzzle and Discussion
When conflict flares, keep calm and stand your ground

Most adults don’t like dissension. They avoid it, try to get around it, under it, or over it.

The colorful Nyhavn neighborhood is the place to moor on a sunny day in Copenhagen. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves: Embrace hygge and save cash in Copenhagen

Where else would Hans Christian Andersen, a mermaid statue and lovingly decorated open-face sandwiches be the icons of a major capital?

Last Call is a festured artist at the 2024 DeMiero Jazz Festival: in Edmonds. (Photo provided by DeMiero Jazz Festival)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Jazz ensemble Last Call is one of the featured artists at the DeMiero Jazz Festival on March 7-9 in Edmonds.

Kim Helleren
Local children’s author to read at Edmonds Bookshop

Kim Helleren will read from one of her books for kids at the next monthly Story Time at Edmonds Bookshop on March 29.

Chris Elliott
Lyft surprises traveler with a $150 cleaning charge

Jared Hakimi finds a $150 charge on his credit card after a Lyft ride. Is that allowed? And will the charge stick?

Inside Elle Marie Hair Studio in Smokey Point. (Provided by Acacia Delzer)
The best hair salon in Snohomish County

You voted, we tallied. Here are the results.

The 2024 Kia EV9 electric SUV has room for up to six or seven passengers, depending on seat configuration. (Photo provided by Kia)
Kia’s all-new EV9 electric SUV occupies rarified air

Roomy three-row electric SUVs priced below 60 grand are scarce.

2023 Toyota RAV4 Prime XSE Premium AWD (Photo provided by Toyota)
2023 Toyota RAV4 Prime XSE Premium AWD

The compact SUV electric vehicle offers customers the ultimate flexibility for getting around town in zero emission EV mode or road-tripping in hybrid mode with a range of 440 miles and 42 mile per gallon fuel economy.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.