Now that hackers have released data on Ashley Madison’s customers, the news of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s breakup is less surprising. They and other Muppets have had profiles on the popular dating site for months. A sampling:
I’ve had it with the “dreaming” and all the other rainbow-contemplating B.S. Not my tempo. I need a doer with four feet on the ground for public appearances and some shopping. Prefer bottom-wearer. Paws, fine. Constricting snakes okay. No drama. Well, not yours. Contact: Mariahsgrl
Open-minded “roommates” on the DL seeking “friends.” Must be able to add and subtract. We enjoy rubber play. In the tub. Alphabet positivity a turn-on. Can host. Can spell host. H-O-S-T, host. Discretion a must. Contact: RubberDuckieUR1
Me like cookies. You like cookies. We eat cookies. Contact: MeWantCookies123
Elmo seeking Animal Lover for tickling, giggling, casual fun. Elmo like playing a lot. Make Elmo happy. Happy, happy Elmo. This gig is killing me. Seriously. I’m a Juilliard-trained mime. Save me? Contact: elmolikeyou
Fly-curious avian ready to leave nest. Recently ended decades-long relationship with size-shaming, lumbering pretender. You are: tall. Not imaginary. Not a woolly mammoth. HWP. Contact: Yellow4Life
It Turns Out Pigs Do Fly: Ready to begin again with a partner who is contemplative. Ruminative. Literally. You must ruminate. I have my own pad, and I’ve been told I’m VGL, but I’ll let you decide. In fact, you’ll be deciding everything. Size unimportant. Contact: iHrtPiggy
Quirky SOB with a SOH. Take it or leave it. Prefer someone with a big can. Contact: Trash—Talker123
I’ve long wondered if I would ever find the 1. That way we could become a 2. Then, perhaps, if everything adds up, a 3. Hah. Hah. HAH! Even … a 4! Have you ever really looked at the moon? I mean looked, looked? Night owls only. Contact: AndalusianAbacus1234567
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