Taking care of each other: Helping ill friends, relatives

  • Monday, August 24, 2015 8:59am
  • Life

Life is unfair.

My good friend retired from his job in his early 60s. He was looking forward to reading all the books he missed in his workaday life. Several months after his retirement party, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Joe is a realist. He decided not to undergo chemotherapy, recognizing that his quality of life would decline more quickly, but the outcome would be the same.

He is philosophical, but sad that he won’t get to see his children grow up. His children are in their early 20s.

I visit Joe most weekends and spend a few hours with him sitting in his backyard, throwing wood onto a small fire in his fire pit. We watch the flames and smoke lick the sky. We talk about this and that. Sometimes he tells me about his past, his parents, their story, and about his current concerns. He’s a very private person. I don’t press.

A few months earlier he sent out an email to his friends letting them know how thankful he was for their friendship and that he planned to spend as much time with his kids as he could. It was a goodbye letter, but it also gave his network the sense that he wasn’t up for visitors. Which, it turns out, wasn’t the case.

Unexpected illness is one of many unwelcome visitors that come to the door.

Fortunately, it happens more often when our friends and relatives are older — but not always. Younger people also have bodies that can fail. We are all in the same boat and it can get pretty leaky at times.

Sadly, many people feel intimidated by serious illness, like cancer. They don’t know what to say or what to do, so they don’t come around. They feel awkward and frightened. They don’t want to impose on their friend or relative.

In our culture, death is hidden. More often than not, adults die in hospitals, far away from their friends and family. Mortality is viewed as a silent enemy, hidden, but patiently stalking each one of us. Better not to talk about it, or maybe it will rear its ugly head. I was very fortunate. I got to be with both my parents at the end of their life. I had the opportunity to comfort them as they made life’s final transition.

Here are some important points to remember when a friend or relative becomes seriously ill:

Don’t ask your ill friend or family member to let you know what help they need. Many adults are terrible at asking for help! They are the ones who are quick to offer to help others, but they don’t like to ask for help for themselves. More often than not, they won’t. Just provide assistance — use your imagination.

Bring by food, music, magazines, books, movies and other items that may bring comfort. If the lawn needs to be mowed, just come by and mow it. I’ve been bringing over wood for my friend’s comfort fire. It also gives me a good excuse to stop by.

Visit. I send Joe an email, letting him know when I would like to come by. If he isn’t up for visitors, he lets me know. If it’s inconvenient, we find another time. I’m sensitive to his energy level. If he looks tired, I leave sooner. More frequent shorter visits may be preferable.

It’s OK to talk about what’s in the room. I know it’s very hard to talk about death. But terminally ill adults are often relieved to talk about their mortality, their situation, and what they are thinking and feeling. Frequently, they keep these thoughts to themselves to protect their family and friends. They will welcome the opportunity to talk with you openly.

Life is all about showing up. We all know that 90 percent of success at work (and most everything else) is about showing up. The same is true with friendship and family life. Don’t worry if you feel awkward, uncertain or unsure.

Sometimes it’s as simple as just showing up.

Dr. Paul Schoenfeld is Director of The Everett Clinic’s Center for Behavioral Health and has been a clinical psychologist for more than 30 years. Read more of his blog at the Family Talk Blog at www.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Sarah Jean Muncey-Gordon puts on some BITCHSTIX lip oil at Bandbox Beauty Supply on Tuesday, Jan. 9, 2024, in Langley, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Bandbox Beauty was made for Whidbey Island locals, by an island local

Founder Sarah Muncey-Gordon said Langley is in a renaissance, and she’s proud to be a part of it.

A stroll on Rome's ancient Appian Way is a kind of time travel. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves on the Appian Way, Rome’s ancient superhighway

Twenty-nine highways fanned out from Rome, but this one was the first and remains the most legendary.

Byrds co-founder Roger McGuinn, seen here in 2013, will perform April 20 in Edmonds. (Associated Press)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

R0ck ‘n’ Roll Hall of Famer Roger McGuinn, frontman of The Byrds, plans a gig in Edmonds in April.

Mother giving in to the manipulation her daughter fake crying for candy
Can children be bribed into good behavior?

Only in the short term. What we want to do is promote good habits over the course of the child’s life.

Speech Bubble Puzzle and Discussion
When conflict flares, keep calm and stand your ground

Most adults don’t like dissension. They avoid it, try to get around it, under it, or over it.

The colorful Nyhavn neighborhood is the place to moor on a sunny day in Copenhagen. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves: Embrace hygge and save cash in Copenhagen

Where else would Hans Christian Andersen, a mermaid statue and lovingly decorated open-face sandwiches be the icons of a major capital?

Last Call is a festured artist at the 2024 DeMiero Jazz Festival: in Edmonds. (Photo provided by DeMiero Jazz Festival)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Jazz ensemble Last Call is one of the featured artists at the DeMiero Jazz Festival on March 7-9 in Edmonds.

Kim Helleren
Local children’s author to read at Edmonds Bookshop

Kim Helleren will read from one of her books for kids at the next monthly Story Time at Edmonds Bookshop on March 29.

Chris Elliott
Lyft surprises traveler with a $150 cleaning charge

Jared Hakimi finds a $150 charge on his credit card after a Lyft ride. Is that allowed? And will the charge stick?

Inside Elle Marie Hair Studio in Smokey Point. (Provided by Acacia Delzer)
The best hair salon in Snohomish County

You voted, we tallied. Here are the results.

The 2024 Kia EV9 electric SUV has room for up to six or seven passengers, depending on seat configuration. (Photo provided by Kia)
Kia’s all-new EV9 electric SUV occupies rarified air

Roomy three-row electric SUVs priced below 60 grand are scarce.

2023 Toyota RAV4 Prime XSE Premium AWD (Photo provided by Toyota)
2023 Toyota RAV4 Prime XSE Premium AWD

The compact SUV electric vehicle offers customers the ultimate flexibility for getting around town in zero emission EV mode or road-tripping in hybrid mode with a range of 440 miles and 42 mile per gallon fuel economy.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.