Parenting is a challenge; are you up to it?

  • By Carolyn Hax
  • Tuesday, August 25, 2015 4:01pm
  • Life

Dear Carolyn:

I’m 35 and my husband is 51. Would it be stupid for us to have a baby?

— Ontario

Depends. So I’ll just repeat my standard advice to anyone wrestling with the decision to have children: Would you want you as parents?

Include potential best and worst cases in your reasoning. If the answer is anything but a non-delusional yes, then it would be selfish/immoral/irresponsible to have kids.

Carolyn:

As people, we’re fine (maybe even great). As potential parents, we have a lot to offer. I’m just worried about our (his) age(s).

— Ontario Again

Like I said, it’s about what you would be comfortable choosing for yourself if you were that child. Let’s say neither of you dies prematurely. Then your child would be a young adult by the time Dad dies. Does that sound like something you could live with, as a child?

Let’s say your husband has a long illness preceding that non-premature death — something for which older people are at higher risk. Then it could affect your child’s adolescence. How does your imagined child handle that?

Of course, serious illnesses, accidents and other causes of premature death aren’t famous for their ability to discriminate, and do sometimes strike the young parents of young children. Likewise, the risk of premature death is higher, say, among members of the military than it is for civilians. Does that mean people in the service shouldn’t have children? People who smoke shouldn’t have kids?

I could also go down the path of the nature of older parenthood. I just came across a reader’s comment that his/her parents, who were 35 and 47 when s/he was born, “were too old to get on the ground and roughhouse with me.” But I can tell you, as a mom who started having kids at 35 and spends plenty of time getting piled upon by said kids, that’s not just a factor of age. That’s also about physical condition, temperament, carry-over from one’s own childhood, etc.

Older parents are often more mature and more available to their kids. Except the ones who, ah, aren’t.

So, that’s why my answer to you won’t get any more decisive. Whether you’d want you as parents covers everything: how you’ll play with your kids; how you’ll pay for kids; how you’ll wear your age; how each of you would handle it if one of you got sick or died, or if your marriage dissolved; how you’ll divide the workload; how you’ll handle discipline, extended family, education — everything.

This isn’t a set of concerns for older parents-to-be, it’s for all parents-to-be. If the answer is, for example, “A or B couldn’t handle being a single parent,” then maybe A and B shouldn’t have kids, even if they’re both 28 — because who’s to say they’ll be competent, energetic, effective co-parents just because they’re 28?

You do your best to foresee the life you two can offer a child, and the measures you’d take in the face of the unforeseen. Then, you decide — not rationalize — whether it’s a life you’d want yourself. To my mind, at least, that’s the beginning and the end of the test.

Washington Post Writers Group

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

The Moonlight Swing Orchestra will play classic sounds of the Big Band Era on April 21 in Everett. (submitted photo)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Relive the Big Band Era at the Port Gardner Music Society’s final concert of the season in Everett.

2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD (Honda)
2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD

Honda cedes big boy pickup trucks to the likes of Ford, Dodge… Continue reading

Would you want to give something as elaborate as this a name as mundane as “bread box”? A French Provincial piece practically demands the French name panetiere.
A panetiere isn’t your modern bread box. It’s a treasure of French culture

This elaborately carved French antique may be old, but it’s still capable of keeping its leavened contents perfectly fresh.

(Judy Newton / Great Plant Picks)
Great Plant Pick: Mouse plant

What: Arisarum proboscideum, also known as mouse plant, is an herbaceous woodland… Continue reading

Bright green Japanese maple leaves are illuminated by spring sunlight. (Getty Images)
Confessions of a ‘plantophile’: I’m a bit of a junky for Japanese maples

In fact, my addiction to these glorious, all-season specimens seems to be contagious. Fortunately, there’s no known cure.

2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited (Hyundai)
2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited

The 2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited is a sporty, all-electric, all-wheel drive sedan that will quickly win your heart.

The 2024 Dodge Hornet R/T hybrid’s face has the twin red lines signifying the brand’s focus on performance. (Dodge)
2024 Hornet R/T is first electrified performance vehicle from Dodge

The all-new compact SUV travels 32 miles on pure electric power, and up to 360 miles in hybrid mode.

Don’t blow a bundle on glass supposedly made by the Henry William Stiegel

Why? Faked signatures, reused molds and imitated styles can make it unclear who actually made any given piece of glass.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.