Even though it always did, now more than ever, “clean diesel” sounds like one of those contradictory phrases the late comedian George Carlin liked to cite, such as “military intelligence,” “freedom fighters” and “business ethics.” Let’s do some headline emissions testing.
“China’s Internet czar wants to work with the U.S. for ‘mutual benefit and mutual victory’?”: (Mutual victory?) Sure he does. And then he has some clean diesel vehicles he’d like to sell us.
“Maine mayor wants to publicize names, addresses of welfare recipients”: So people can go help them? Oh. No? Well, wouldn’t it be easier to force them to just wear a scarlet letter, “W”? Or a tattoo?
“?‘No quick decision on Snohomish County courthouse”: The Herald has a patent pending on this headline.
“Limbaugh: What If NASA made up water on Mars to help push liberal agenda?”: Yes, the notoriously liberal NASA is at it again. When did Rush Limbaugh resurrect the old Weekly World News tabloid, known for its “Elvis lives!” headlines and articles about alien abductions?
“You can now stay awake during heart surgery at Swedish”: No, it’s not a money-saving, skip-the-anesthesia option. It’s a middle ground (for minimally invasive surgery) between awake and “completely out” called “conscious sedation,” which, yes, sounds contradictory in a “clean diesel” kind of way. The method is what makes you “awake” during your colonoscopy, but completely forget it afterward.
So it sounds like it could be helpful outside of the medical field, for enduring things such an IRS audit (a financial colonoscopy), a football game/ballet recital to please your partner, or a massive Chinese President Xi Jinping type of gridlock situation.
“Dolphin retrieves Miami Heat dancer’s iPhone after she drops it into the ocean”: While it sounds like the dolphin is simply doing a favor for the dancer, its motivation might be a little more nuanced, such as: “We are trying to keep our ocean clean, for crying out loud, and humans keep filling it with junk. Here, take back your phone, and keep it in your purse, please.”
“Robots have a hard time assembling IKEA furniture”: This makes sense. Because “Easy time assembling IKEA furniture” is definitely a contradictory phrase, for humans and bots alike.
“?‘The Walk’ literally makes theater-goers throw up”: Oh, boy! Let’s go!
“China opens terrifying glass-bottomed bridge in Shiniuzhai park”: Oh, boy! Can you imagine the poor souls whose job it is to clean that glass bottom after terrified visitors have crossed?
“Exercise may be replaced by a pill”: Oh, boy? If the idea is to replace usually pleasurable, physical activity with a pill, then sex must be next… (“Not tonight, dear, I’ve already taken my pill.”)
“Sweden flirts with six-hour work day”: Those saucy Swedes. Flirt away, please. The result for companies exploring the concept has been more productivity and better morale. Crazy! Someone tell Amazon, et al.
Flirt with contradictory ideas this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com.
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