If Cinderella turned her pumpkin into a fancy carriage today, would it come equipped with an “I-405 Good to Go!” pass? Let’s put on our horse shoes and clippity clop through the headlines:
“Monster traffic jam strands thousands on 50-lane Beijing highway”: Wow. Imagine trying to cross 50 lanes to exit the Good to Go lanes…
Local commuters can comfort themselves with the certainty that even if the traffic from Chinese President Xi Jinping’s recent visit was combined with the traffic from President Obama’s recent visit, it still wouldn’t approach this smoggy, non-moving nightmare.
“Bud Light’s ‘smart’ fridge makes sure you have enough beer to watch the game”: Well, not unless it magically makes beer appear. Otherwise, the beer drinkers will have to make sure they have enough beer to watch the game, which they generally manage quite well, without a reminder from the fridge. In fact, serious beer drinkers can tell you exactly how many are left in the fridge at any given time.
“Lumo Run smart shorts whip you into shape”: But do they make sure you have enough beer to watch the game? No? Do they really qualify as smarty shorts then? The shorts, with “built-in 9-axis smart sensor monitors,” are designed to provide runners with real-time performance feedback … such as: 1. Yes, that chaffing is definitely getting worse. 2. Hey. Baby Got Back. 3. Yikes. Time to change those shorts.
“Scientists say ‘runner’s high’ is like a marijuana high”: Except, you know, the runners have to get off the couch. Especially if they are wearing the bossy smart shorts. (What would the 9-axis smart sensor monitors in a pair of smart shorts report to a couch potato? Perhaps, “Shift a little to your left to keep your foot from falling asleep” and other helpful feedback.)
“Even a ‘pizza rat’ costume can be made sexy for Halloween”: Because, heaven knows, Halloween costumes (for women) are meant to be sexy, not scary. Not that the two are mutually exclusive, of course.
“S&P 500 reaches three-week high as health stocks rally”: So comforting to know that health care is helping out Wall Street! That must definitely mean good things for “health care consumers.” It must also explain why pharmaceutical drugs are so inexpensive in the U.S.
“Google swears Android Auto isn’t spying on you (that much)”: Just a little bit. Just enough to target you with some ads.
“China’s middle-class dreams in peril”: Hey, if China’s middle class joined forces with America’s middle class, that would be some power of the people. Unfortunately they are all too busy stuck in traffic to organize properly.
“Health Insurance deductibles outpacing wage increases, study finds”: Your smart shorts, which have replaced your doctor and your financial adviser, will confirm this fact.
Design a “smart” garment this week so your shorts don’t get lonely.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com.
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