Why is my 6-year-old twerking? How do I limit what my 10-year-old can see on his phone?
These are common questions with complicated answers — but as a parent and child psychologist, I have some basics to help you and your children navigate the digital world safely (with a little help from the engineers at Apple). Many of my strategies are based in the built-in settings of your or your child’s device. I focus on Apple simply because they are the most common devices about which I’m asked. However, nearly all of the following suggestions can be adapted to Android.
Write a contract. Step one is to think about your expectations and rules for your children in the digital world. Out of the box, all of these devices are setup for adults.
Make the list simple and start with the basics: in order to have access to this amazing device, this is what we (your parents) are responsible for and in return, this is what is expected of you. The written list of rules will evolve over time so don’t worry if it’s incomplete. Parents and kids sign it and date it. Revisit the contract at least once a year to make sure it’s still on point.
Enable restrictions and have a conversation. Whenever possible, you should enable restrictions on the adult device before your child has ever used it. By using these built-in parental controls, found under Settings, then General and then Restrictions, you have the power to set limits and supervise what your child can see and do on the device.
Consistent restrictions force the child to pause and then come find you to talk about their request. By doing so you are teaching him to think about his actions online.
Turn off/delete YouTube. If you are concerned about the time spent or videos viewed, I suggest turning off (or temporarily deleting) the YouTube app and blocking YouTube in the web browser.
Guided access. iPhones are all-in-one devices, which is pretty incredible, but also incredibly problematic for our children. Under Settings, look for Guided Access. There, you can lock the device on one app until you (the parents) put in a code or release it with your fingerprint. This is a powerful tool for parents as it allows for some flexibility. No longer is the device either off limits in a drawer or allowing free access.
She wants to listen to music? Okay. But not texting and watching videos at the same time. (By the way, off limits in a drawer is a fine and sometimes necessary strategy to limit their usage also, but that’s for a different article.)
Be a model for your child. Remember the Partnership for Drug Free America ad campaign? You know, the one where the father confronts his son after finding marijuana and the son looks up and replies, “I learned it by watching you!” Well, it’s true. Your children are learning about the world by watching you and that’s a good thing. You helped them learn to talk, walk, eat with a fork. Pretty much everything they now do, you directly influenced.
So, at a minimum, be mindful of how often the phone is in your hands. How often are you reading work e-mails or texting while your child is present? Be aware that they are learning and being shaped by what they perceive around them. Work toward being the good influence that you ideally want your child to be around. Your kids will quickly know more than you do. However, for now you are in charge, and therefore, you must use the tools available. Thankfully, we have the basic tools built in to the devices. It’s our obligation as parents to set reasonable limits and consistently follow through so our children learn how to safely navigate the digital world independently.
Just like any other family topic, if parents don’t lead, the children will learn elsewhere. New technology can be scary, but don’t let your fear of technology limit your ability to parent in the digital world.
We have no choice and your children are not afraid.
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