Family Talk: Keys to helping your children find strong role models

  • By Paul Schoenfeld Family Talk Columnist
  • Friday, October 16, 2015 11:32am
  • Life

As a child growing up, I felt that few adults really understood me. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel loved — I did. But everyone was so busy. I didn’t think that they really “saw” me.

I remember my youngest daughter expressing the same thought when she was a child. And, I have to admit that there were many things about her I didn’t really get. She was right.

Our role as parents obscures our vision. Parenthood is filled with responsibilities, demands and challenges. These pressures and our inherent lack of objectivity blocks our deeper understanding of our children.

When I was 10, I met Manny Sternberg, who was a counselor at a summer camp I attended. I spent many hours with Manny, who seemed to have endless time to listen to me. I felt that he understood me at a very deep level. Fifty-four years later, I still remember him! He was my very first mentor.

Throughout my life, I have been drawn towards adults who had wisdom, integrity and an intuitive understanding of what guidance and support I needed. My third grade teacher, Mr. Riviera, made me stand in front of the class and try to solve a math problem. I spent an hour, unsuccessfully trying to add nine 9s on the blackboard. He could see that I had become a little cocky and needed a reality check. He was spot on.

I’ve been fortunate. I have found several adults who became my teachers, shared their knowledge and wisdom, and were role models for the adult I wanted to be. Each one of them taught me valuable lessons, challenged me to be a better person, and grasped something essential about me that even I hadn’t articulated.

Sometimes they were hard on me, like Mr. Riviera. Other times, they were encouraging. Each one helped me to become the person I am today. I am grateful to all of them.

Coaches, ministers, teachers, neighbors or relatives can assume this very important role in a young person’s life. Kids need role models, beyond their parents. Of course, we want to be a model for our children. I learned a great deal from both my mother and father. But these mentors taught me lessons that my parents couldn’t teach me.

So how can parents help their children find these important teachers?

Be on the look out for potential role models. Possible role models and mentors can be found in many places: sports teams, religious organizations, clubs, Boy and Girl Scouts, martial arts or the YMCA. Relatives or family friends can be a good source of potential mentors too.

Encourage your children to acquire experiences rather than stuff. Too many kids plaster themselves in front of their computers or devices playing video games. Expose them to outside activities that can bring them into contact with great adults. They won’t find mentors in front of a video screen.

Create opportunities for your children to spend time with relatives and family friends. My mother sent me to spend a month with my uncle and his family in Ohio. I developed a close bond with my uncle Mel. When I needed help as an adult, he was always there for me. My close friend, a physician, became a mentor for my youngest daughter who was a new health care provider. She was grateful for his support.

Be a role model for others. I was a kids Aikido (a Japanese martial art) instructor for 10 years. I was a stable adult for many youngsters as they went through major life events, including divorce and deaths in their families. Find ways of including your nephews, nieces and neighbors into you life. We all need adults who help us find our way through the complexities and challenges of life.

Dr. Paul Schoenfeld is Director of The Everett Clinic’s Center for Behavioral Health and has been a clinical psychologist for more than 30 years. Read more of his blog at the Family Talk Blog at www.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

Sarah Jean Muncey-Gordon puts on some BITCHSTIX lip oil at Bandbox Beauty Supply on Tuesday, Jan. 9, 2024, in Langley, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Bandbox Beauty was made for Whidbey Island locals, by an island local

Founder Sarah Muncey-Gordon said Langley is in a renaissance, and she’s proud to be a part of it.

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

Byrds co-founder Roger McGuinn, seen here in 2013, will perform April 20 in Edmonds. (Associated Press)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

R0ck ‘n’ Roll Hall of Famer Roger McGuinn, frontman of The Byrds, plans a gig in Edmonds in April.

Mother giving in to the manipulation her daughter fake crying for candy
Can children be bribed into good behavior?

Only in the short term. What we want to do is promote good habits over the course of the child’s life.

Speech Bubble Puzzle and Discussion
When conflict flares, keep calm and stand your ground

Most adults don’t like dissension. They avoid it, try to get around it, under it, or over it.

The colorful Nyhavn neighborhood is the place to moor on a sunny day in Copenhagen. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves: Embrace hygge and save cash in Copenhagen

Where else would Hans Christian Andersen, a mermaid statue and lovingly decorated open-face sandwiches be the icons of a major capital?

Last Call is a festured artist at the 2024 DeMiero Jazz Festival: in Edmonds. (Photo provided by DeMiero Jazz Festival)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Jazz ensemble Last Call is one of the featured artists at the DeMiero Jazz Festival on March 7-9 in Edmonds.

Kim Helleren
Local children’s author to read at Edmonds Bookshop

Kim Helleren will read from one of her books for kids at the next monthly Story Time at Edmonds Bookshop on March 29.

Chris Elliott
Lyft surprises traveler with a $150 cleaning charge

Jared Hakimi finds a $150 charge on his credit card after a Lyft ride. Is that allowed? And will the charge stick?

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.