Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
I’ve been friends with someone since grade school. I’d like to talk to her more except, about half the time I text her, I don’t get a reply. She said she’s too busy for phone calls. We meet occasionally at her convenience.
I’d like to ask about clarifying our relationship. I see posts on Facebook about conversations or outings with other people that she never has time for with me. We live about five minutes apart.
Last time we talked she said she’d be up for coffee soon (two months ago) and asked me to be patient about her not having time to do stuff. She’s one of the few “friends” I actually have, period.
I’m not sure what to do. I find it depressing to have so few people to talk to, and when one of those few ignores me, I’m not sure it’s worth the emotional upheaval.
— Friendship Over?
Please turn whatever energy you’re putting into this issue toward a patient, planned effort to make new friends. An abbreviated list of ways to do that: adopt a hobby, join a team, volunteer somewhere regularly, take a class, find Meetups, arrange events with old friends and ask them to bring other friends. Pick activities you enjoy or do well so you have that to fall back on, and can be a relaxed/entertained version of yourself.
The what isn’t as important as the how. Be friendly, be flexible, and be open to these experiences as rewards unto themselves. Not every commitment to (blank) is going to produce a buddy, but each one can be its own blow against loneliness. If it helps: Struggling to make friends when your school years are behind you is one of the problems I hear about most.
To: Friendship:
Trying to put this gently: Have you examined how you talk to your friends? Do you perhaps spend most of your phone conversations with this friend complaining about your life, or unconsciously monopolizing? If your longtime friend appears to have time for other people, perhaps those conversations are more rewarding for her.
— Anonymous
It is worth a think, thank you. Complainers often don’t hear themselves. Sometimes it is something we do or say or a way we do or say it, and cultivating good listening skills and a positive attitude is worth the effort even if the effort doesn’t yield a pack of new friends.
Often, though, it’s just a story of an outgoing person collecting friends and a quieter person struggling to make connections. This friendship may have run its course. Most childhood ones do.
Re: Friendship Over?
I’m an introvert and I am endlessly puzzled how some people can just walk into a room and walk out with two or three new friends, while I can have enjoyable social interactions that rarely go beyond the occasion. (I’m OK with that because having too many friends and too many social obligations is mentally wearing on me.) I sometimes wonder(ed) if I’m a freak. This made me feel better.
— Anonymous 2
Glad to help. If it weren’t for outgoing people, I’d never talk to anyone.
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