Today Seahawks fans will find out if Marshawn Lynch really is “Just about that action, boss” (Trademark pending), or something else. Let’s tackle the headlines.
“Trump says NFL football has gone soft”: The NFL should have a lottery to see which team wins the right to invite The Donald to suit up at practice and ask him to say that again.
“What Big Ben will be playing through on Sunday”: Common sense? (His shoulder is seriously injured.)
“Sinkhole develops behind Bertha in recently excavated path port district”: The entire Bertha saga, from the beginning to the sinkhole, literally and figuratively illustrates the idiom, “Digging yourself deeper into a hole.”
For those who value journalism: Before the Seattle City Council approved the a contract with the state for the project, the whole Bertha fiasco was precisely predicted, problem by problem, by reporter Dominic Holden, in a 2010 article in the Seattle weekly newspaper, The Stranger, headlined, “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?” Everything, is the answer.
“Playboy Mansion on sale for $200 million, but Hef stays”: Wow. Such a deal for the buyers… Why doesn’t Hugh Hefner do what other older homeowners do, and take out a reverse mortgage?
“New zipline ride soars over Everett Mall”: Hmm. A zipline might be a much quicker, and less expensive solution to get people from North Everett to the waterfront than the city’s planned $10 million utility and pedestrian bridge over West Marine View Drive to the port area.
“Not his lucky day — Texan falls in hole on way to buy lottery ticket”: Gee, what are the odds?
“What’s up, Doc? Border police find 2,493 pounds of weed in fake carrots”: Just one more ongoing reason it should be legalized (marijuana, not fake carrots.)
“Prosecutor: Man walked $1.6M in pills across border on sled”: That would be the Canadian-Vermont border. And one more reason the U.S. needs to lower prescription drug prices to be in line with all other countries on the planet that have prescription drugs.
“Should I-405 ‘s toll lanes be free after 7 p.m.?”: Yes. Thank you for asking.
“Pittsburgh carjackers run away from stick-shift vehicle”: Ah, manual transmission as an anti-theft device. Retro cool.
“How do you get tiny robots to work together?”: By forming a tiny robots workers union?
“Rare venomous sea snakes keep washing up on California beaches”: What an opportunity for the Oregon and Washington tourism bureaus. “Come visit our beaches, which are free of rare venomous sea snakes!”
“New fragrance inspired by Putin goes on sale in Russia”: It’s called “Leaders Number One” scent. (Which sounds very North Korean-y. Perhaps it is scent appropriate for all despots.) After getting a sniff of Leaders Number One scent, does one pronounce the president’s name “Pee-yew-tin” or Poo-tin”?
“Rules ban drones at state Capitol campus in Olympia”: No, not the legislators. The flying devices.
Has your line of work gone soft?
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com.
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