As Valentine’s Day nears, messages abound that love and happiness come in pairs. Two peas in a pod. Dancing cheek-to-cheek. Bicycles built for two. Movies end happily ever after with someone saying, “You complete me.” For many single people, the inference is you’re only whole when part of a dynamic duo.
In truth, experts and studies agree that singles — whether by choice or circumstance — can and do enjoy emotionally fulfilled lives.
“Some people are ‘single at heart.’ They live their best, most authentic and most meaningful lives as single people. They don’t have ‘issues’ — they have a life that they embrace and live fully and joyfully,” says Bella DePaulo, a project scientist at University of California at Santa Barbara who holds a doctorate from Harvard.
DePaulo wrote the book “Singled Out” and advocates embracing the option of being single and acknowledging the potential positives.
“It should be a personal decision, with no one choice valued over the other,” DePaulo says.
If you’re flying solo this Valentine’s, there is no need to curse Cupid. Science says to celebrate the power of one.
Interestingly, while singles may live alone, they are in good company. According to data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the U.S. rate of unpartnered people (among those 16 and older) hit 50.2 percent in mid-2013. In 1976, it was 37.4 percent.
Social connectivity
Studies debunk the pervasive stereotype that singles are inevitably lonely and isolated. Boston College and University of Massachusetts Amherst research in 2015 found that never-married adults develop the closest social ties to others.
“Lots of research shows that single people are actually more connected to friends, neighbors, siblings, and parents than married people are,” DePaulo says.
Cheryl Sackrider has an active social life. Single since being divorced years ago, she participates in book clubs, Friday-night dinners with friends and travels.
“My experience is that my different circles of friends are probably larger than people who are in a couple,” says Sackrider, director of Behavioral Health Services at Providence Regional Medical Center Everett. “I’ve been fairly intentional about it.”
The assumption that being partnered or married prevents loneliness is equally suspect.
“Go into a restaurant and notice the couples. Many will be on cell phones, texting and not even talking to each other,” says Jan Canniff, a Mill Creek-based licensed mental health counselor and relationship expert. “You can be married and lonely, too. I see it all the time.”
Whether single, coupled or in-between, experts agree that it’s important to take charge of one’s interactions. Canniff recommends simple fixes to ensure social growth: Develop a hobby, enroll in a class, get outdoors.
“Singles often intentionally build their creative, business, social and spiritual lives. What I’ve seen in couples is sometimes putting all your eggs in one basket. You rely on your partner to make you happy,” Canniff says. “Whether you’re single or married, you need to access your own life and develop in interesting ways.”
If you do feel a twinge on couple-centric holidays like Valentine’s Day, schedule something in its place.
“People get sentimental, so create an alternate activity,” says Pepper Schwartz, relationship author and University of Washington professor of sociology. “Plan a trip, spend time with friends or go out for a special dinner. Do something charitable for someone unfortunate and be useful and generous. You don’t need to sit at home and feel bad.”
Partner-free passions
Dave Marshall only knew three people recently when he moved recently to the Pacific Northwest. The 30-year-old University Prep teacher is single and enjoys exploring his new home with complete flexibility.
“I’ve been in a few serious relationships and it has its benefits. I’m open to meeting someone again, but for now it’s kind of exciting to be free to do what I want, make last-minute decisions and not have to run it by someone else,” he says.
Singles scientifically flourish in areas ranging from creative pursuits to physical health. A 2004 University of Maryland study concluded that never-married singles regularly exercise more than their married, separated, divorced or widowed peers. Furthermore, a 2013 study published in Health Psychology found that happily married couples actually gain weight in the four years following their wedding.
Singles also value volunteering and social causes. Eric Klinenberg, author of “Going Solo,” concluded that singles are more likely to donate time to civic organizations.
“Single people have a lot of love, attention and finances to give to good causes. They are often very generous in their giving,” Schwartz says.
Schwartz points out that all partnerships require a degree of compromise ranging from hobbies to habits, vacations and pets.
“Being single is more uncomplicated. It’s readily build-able to live your own way, in your time for your own purposes. I think that’s why single people are sometimes considered selfish,” Schwartz says.
Schwartz cautions against the commonly whispered accusation of selfishness. Their time might be spent volunteering, caring for others or contributing in any number of other unacknowledged ways. Even if their focus is purely on the self, recognizing that need can save others unwanted pain.
“People need to be authentic and true to themselves. One shouldn’t live one’s life for other people unless that choice brings the most pleasure,” Schwartz says.
Stop single shaming
The most difficult part of being single is often not the reality but the perception — you’re lonely, unhappy, selfish, deficient and don’t have a “real” life.
“Sometimes people think that stereotyping is no big deal and that the targets of it should just shrug it off. But sometimes other people act in accordance with the stereotypes,” DePaulo says.
DePaulo cites consequences such as employers and coworkers expecting single employees to work holidays because they are perceived as alone anyway. They may also receive last pick in terms of vacation times and days off. Married or coupled friends perceive their time as more valuable, which singles should accommodate at all costs.
Of course, one of the most pervasive problems is unsolicited relationship advice.
“We don’t ask married people why they’re married. Why ask a single person why they’re single? It doesn’t make sense,” Canniff says. “You don’t have to make excuses or defend your personal status.”
Aside from possibly offending singles, questioning them can affect their self-esteem. It can pressure individuals into conformity, sometimes with serious consequences.
Cheryl Sackrider felt the pressure to marry. She says that trying to fulfill that expectation contributed to her making an “unhealthy decision” that ultimately led to divorce.
“The irony is that if single life were more honored and less stigmatized, that would … also benefit people who want to be coupled,” DePaulo says. “They could approach coupling from a position of strength, as something they want in a positive way, rather than something they have to do because they’re running away from single life.”
Whether it’s Valentine’s Day or any day, the best way to help singles is to relate to them as equals. For her part, Sackrider remains open to a future relationship, but only as a possible addition to an already fulfilling life.
“What I want to tell people is that my life right now is great. I have a good career and I’m happy as I am,” she says.
Deanna Duff covers diverse news and lifestyle topics with a special interest in health writing. Follow her on Twitter@DeannaDuff1.
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