Last night the Easter Bunny hopped all over town and deposited plastic eggs filled with cavity-inducing crap. In some homes, the Easter Bunny used magic to transform planted jelly beans into gardens of lollipops. How bunnies relate to eggs, how eggs relate to candy and how jellybeans relate to lollipops is part of the great mystery of Easter.
At least the Easter Bunny is an easy guest to welcome into our homes. “Easy,” in the sense that it’s difficult to screw up and forget he’s coming. Grocery stores, churches and wall calendars keep us on track. The Tooth Fairy on the other hand, is a lot harder to remember.
My daughter recently lost her first tooth and the Tooth Fairy was a no-show. Coincidentally, this was also the day I won the fictitious Worst Mother of the Year award.
In the wee hours of Saturday morning, as my first grader writhed in disappointment, I scrambled to find an excuse to cover up the Tooth Fairy’s goof. My husband hunted for loose change while I rambled on about our new security alarm, motion detectors, system monitoring and flight insurance. I provided the distraction and my husband did the slight-of-hand work. Poof! The Tooth Fairy delivered after all.
It all ended up okay, but I decided the next time the Tooth Fairy screws up I need to be more prepared. Here’s my list of ready-made excuses:
5 Reasons Why the Tooth Fairy Didn’t Come
The Tooth Fairy only takes teeth that are freshly rinsed in mouthwash, especially during cold and flu season. A lot of people don’t know this, but the Tooth Fairy is a bit of a germaphobe.
Cliff Mass announced a high-wind advisory on KPLU the other day, and that probably altered the Tooth Fairy’s flight plans. Her wings are delicate.
It was really, really, really dark last night and we forgot to turn on the porch light.
I heard via the Edmonds Moms Facebook group that the Tooth Fairy was on an extended vacation in Canada. Maybe she’s at The Butchart Gardens at this very moment.
The Tooth Fairy tried to come take your tooth, but couldn’t find it because your room was too messy. Burn!
Of course, maybe a better strategy would be to make sure the Tooth Fairy doesn’t flake. So I also have a scheme to be a better fairy:
Tooth Fairy Personal Improvement Plan
Transfer wedding ring to right hand as soon as the tooth pops out.
Keep a two-dollar bill in bathrobe pocket, just in case.
Stash emergency glitter in sock drawer.
Turn off Netlix by 10:30, even if binge-watching “Scandal.”
Skip a glass of wine and drink tea instead. Don’t drink and fly!
By the way, Santa Claus called. He said my Worst Mother of the Year award has officially put me on the naughty list. I told him, “Coal will be fine. Just remember to show up.”
Jennifer Bardsley lives in Edmonds. Her book “Genesis Girl” comes out Sept. 27. Find her online on Instagram @the_ya_gal, Twitter @jennbardsley or at teachingmybabytoread.com.
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