Time is precious, everyone agrees. And political campaigns way too costly. So it remains a mystery why the American presidential election process takes more than twice as long as the efficient gestation period for a complete human baby, with absolutely nothing to show for the extra time. Let’s hatch a batch of headlines.
“99.999 percent of microbe species remain undiscovered, say researchers”: Well, they can just try out for “So You Think You Can Dance,” and “America’s Got Talent,” and the like, just as all other wanna-be singers and dancers hoping to be “discovered” do.
“Cyclist Femke Van Den Driessche banned six years for using hidden motor”: All sports have their cheats, but the bike riders seem to be in a league of their own. (Cyclists’ bikes now must be tested for performance enhancing … motors.)
“100-year-old woman sets world record for 100-meter dash, celebrates with pushups”: And then, for good measure, she picked up cyclist Femke Van Den Driessche and threw her like a discus, setting another record.
“Meet the next sport of the modern age: Drone racing”: Let’s just make sure to call it a “competition,” rather than a sport, to distinguish it from actual athletic events. Just as poker is not a sport, even if the games are shown on a sports channel. Just like video games. And “cyclists” who hide motors on their “bikes,” otherwise known as a “motorbike.”
“Truck carrying 25 tons of potatoes crashes, closes part of highway in North Carolina”: Just one of the many possible “farm-to-table” experiences that occur and are left out of the story because it doesn’t fit the narrative.
“Hershey’s is going to start selling meat bars”: Yum! Like Meatloaf Mounds? Brisket Bliss? Special Dark Chocolate Chicken Nuggets? York Peppermint Patti Pork Chops? (Turns out it’s beef jerky with fruit and other stuff, what other companies call a “protein bars” despite the obvious allure of marketing something as a “meat bar,” which of course Hershey’s won’t.)
“Most expensive weapon ever built limps toward finish line”: Naturally, after nine years, the $110-million (plus overruns) F-35 fighter jet is still “not acceptable for combat.” All hail the military-industrial complex!
“Internet trolls attack Old Navy’s interracial ad”: It would be for the best if news organizations stopped treating the rantings of internet trolls as something worthy of coverage. It would only be news if internet trolls, (which doesn’t begin to describe them), didn’t spew their ignorance online. Anonymously, of course. Don’t give them the attention they seek.
“Why one researcher says kindergartners need more time to play”: Because it’s true? And previously considered common sense?
“Drug prices keep rising despite intense criticism”: That’s because “intense criticism” causes Big Pharma to burst into giggles like little girls.
Today, make sure your “Snohomish County Squeeze” is a big hug with another person, (or a tree) and has nothing to do with I-5.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com.
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