Dads of Snohomish County, there might not be tickets to Rio in your future, but that doesn’t mean you’re not in the greatest sporting event of your life: Fatherhood. The pressure is on to medal in all events. Let’s see how you score.
Swimming
1. You know what a swim diaper is, and how to use it. (10 points)
2. You forge new paths at the public pool that do not involve escorting your 4-year-old daughter through the men’s locker room. (20 points)
3. Despite vocal protests, you ensure that your 10-year-old is slathered in sunscreen. (30 points)
4. You avoid a heart attack when your teenage daughter buys her first bikini. (40 points)
5. You scandalize all of your children and/or grandchildren with your farmer’s tan (50 points)
Track and Field
1. After a long day, the baton is passed to you every evening when you come home from work. (10 points)
2. When the house runs low on groceries, you swing by the store proactively. (20 points)
3. You mow the grass in the dark. (30 points)
4. You mow the grass in the dark with a toddler in your backpack who wears safety goggles and ear protection. (40 points)
5. You know where your teenager is at all times, especially after curfew. (50 points)
Cycling
1. You can assemble a child’s bicycle without looking at the instructions. (10 points)
2. You can add or remove training wheels with your eyes closed. (20 points)
3. When it comes to teaching kids how to ride bikes, you’re an expert. (30 points)
4. You yell at random teenagers to go home and get bike helmets. (40 points)
5. Instead of buying that pricy triathlon bike you covet, you put the money in your child’s college savings account instead. (50 points)
Wrestling
1. You can put tights on a baby without causing her to cry. (10 points)
2. You have physically removed a 3-year-old from a ball pit. (20 points)
3. You park your car in the garage without crushing toys. (30 points)
4. You discuss all the tough topics: sex, drugs, gun violence, by the time your kid is 13. (40 points)
5. You refrain from saying “I told you so,” when your adult children make big mistakes. (50 points)
Golf
1. You speak in a whisper as soon as you see a baby monitor light up. (10 points)
2. You politely clap when your toddler puts his shoes on the correct feet. (20 points)
3. You successfully teach your new teen driver how to parallel park in just one lesson. (30 points)
4. A hush falls across the dining room table whenever you speak. (40 points)
5. You dedicate your life to ensuring that your family has enough greens in the bank. (50 points)
Judges are standing by, and believe me they can be vocal. Tally up your scores and step up to the podium.
0-50 points = Bronze Medal: You’re sporting career is just beginning. Don’t forget to stretch.
60-450 points = Silver Medal: Fans scream your name whenever you arrive. Oh wait, that’s just the dog. The kids give you a head nod from the couch while they watch TV.
460-750 points = Gold Medal: Your face might not be on a cereal box, but that doesn’t mean you’re not a hero.
Jennifer Bardsley is an Edmonds mom of two, and author of the book “Genesis Girl.” Find her online on Instagram @the_ya_gal, or Twitter @jennbardsley.
or at teachingmybabytoread.com.
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