Friends resisting no-kids wedding

  • By Carolyn Hax
  • Thursday, July 10, 2014 9:09am
  • Life

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

After some discussion, my fiance and I decided we did not want kids at our wedding — several of our friends are newish parents and we are JUST SO TIRED of having their kids be the center of the universe, disrupt plans all the time, and so on. We just wanted one time when we could enjoy our friends’ company in an adults-only way.

We indicated as much on our save-the-dates, and have since gotten responses from a few people close to us that they do not plan to come since they can’t bring their kids. Many of them are friends who live in town and could probably get sitters if they wanted to. That makes me think they have perceived my feelings about the heavy kid focus that’s taken over our group.

Fiance thinks we should stay the course, but I’m now wondering whether we should backpedal and include kids. … I’d rather cave on this than not have loved ones at our wedding. What do you think?

— Allow Kids?

A couple of thoughts.

I would never boycott a no-kids wedding because my kids were excluded. I mean really — I’m nuts about my kids but a night of just adults? Sure. Plus, I can simultaneously find joy in children and grasp that not everyone blisses out around a bunch of squirmy people with volume-control issues. Who am I to scold them and say they “should” enjoy having kids around, or that weddings “should” include kids, or whatever else?

Even if I had a pro-kid view of weddings, it’s your wedding — your tablet to write upon, not mine and not your friends’ to write their pro-kid righteousness.

The one exception I might make is if I were nursing and tethered to Baby — but I’d talk to you about it without judging.

Anyway, this is all background for my answer: Sure, you can cave, but these friends are out of line.

That’s no surprise, though, right? Plenty of parents don’t expect “their kids [to] be the center of the universe, disrupt plans all the time, and so on” — but your friends apparently do. So they’re just being themselves, and will surely stay that way at and after your wedding.

It’s your call how you want to handle both the wedding and the long-term implications of friends with me-ist tendencies. Just be forewarned: The more of a stand you take, the more closely people will watch if you ever have kids.

Re: Kids:

It is easy for some people with kids to get a sitter — I do know some who have a regular one — but for others it can be hard.

— Anonymous

Of course no parents who try and fail to find a sitter should be harrumphed for saying no, but that’s so not what’s happening here. These are responses to save-the-date cards — months in advance. In the event of extenuating circumstances (a special-needs child, say), surely the couple would know and understand, but otherwise the local refusals, at this stage, are statements of principle, and it’s a principle I find self-aggrandizing.

(c) 2014, Washington Post Writers Group

More in Life

Heavy Hollywood headlines: Robert Horton’s movies preview

In the midst of all the sexual-misconduct allegations, the holiday film season offers some relief.

‘Love, Chaos and Dinner’ an Teatro ZinZanni’s original show

The “Parsian cabaret” is a superb circus dinner theater operation in Marymoor Park through April 29.

Denzel Washington’s remarkable performance isn’t helped by plot

The actor is convincing as an awkward, eccentric lawyer, but unconvincing contrivances pile up.

‘The Breadwinner’ animation is strong, but its story is stilted

The Cartoon Saloon film never lets you forget that you’re here to learn an important lesson.

Pianist Kaitlyn Gia Lee, 10, of Mill Creek, will perform Mozart’s Piano Concerto No. 23 in A Major on Nov. 26 with the Everett Philharmonic Orchestra.
Young pianist to perform Mozart with Everett Philharmonic

Kaitlyn Gia Lee, 10, of Mill Creek, will play the piano at the Music for the Imagination concert.

Liz Oyama as Belle, Jimmi Cook as Gaston and John Han as Lefou star in the Edmonds Driftwood Players production of Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast,” opening Nov. 24. Magic Photo
In Driftwood’s ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ Belle has girl-power bend

Edmonds Driftwood Players presents Disney’s adaptation of the fair tale Nov. 24 through Dec. 17.

Celebrate Native American Heritage Month with reads, listens

Pay tribute to the contributions of indigenous people to national history and culture.

Franken’s rising political star obscured by accusations

He faces an ethics investigation after allegations he had unwanted physical contact with four women.

Johnny Cash boyhood home considered for historic nomination

The house was provided as part of an economic recovery program during the Great Depression.

Most Read