Holidays get tricky when you’re invited to the ex’s

  • By Jann Blackstone Tribune News Service (TNS)
  • Thursday, December 21, 2017 1:30am
  • Life

Q: My ex-wife recently moved to a town 100 miles away and would like to have Christmas dinner at her new home. The kids, all adults with families of their own, have always spent Christmas Eve with her and Christmas Day with me. This year, because of the distance, she is proposing we all spend the holidays with her. We all get along, but this is quite a bit different than what we have done. I would consider going, except I have a new partner who no one has met and has no family. I don’t want to leave her alone on Christmas. I’m not sure it’s appropriate to even ask if I bring her.

A: I normally say holidays are not the time to introduce new partners. There are too many family traditions and leftover emotions that might complicate things. However, holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas are also symbolic of inclusion, so to leave someone alone doesn’t really jive with the meaning of the holidays.

It sounds like you and your ex have had a successful holiday parenting plan over the years, but her move now complicates things. Traveling means rearranging everything, possibly spending the night, and families often balk at change, particularly around the holidays. You probably saw that when you first divorced and had to initiate new holiday traditions because you were no longer together.

There are other things to take into consideration — it’s not uncommon for exes to long for a “just-like-it-used-to-be” holiday. I had a client tell me that Hallmark movies make her nostalgic for her former married life and she had to stop watching them because her kids got angry when she proposed they all spend the holidays together. They had accepted the divorce years ago, had developed new traditions, and had no interest of revisiting the way it used to be. If you are truly entertaining the possibility of spending the holidays together, check with your kids first. Introducing a new partner too soon — and on a holiday — could feel like an invasion of privacy and that might sabotage any future interaction your kids have with your new partner. You’ll get a lot of, “Oh, it’s her again.” Not productive.

So, if you’re actually considering spending the holidays at your ex’s new home, just remember, timing is everything. If you know the introduction will upset things this year, don’t bring her. Talk about the future and reassure her that next year you’ll celebrate the holiday as a couple. Then over the next year slowly include her in family get-togethers. As time goes on, inviting her will seem like the natural order of things.

Finally, when all is said and done, it’s important to understand that Christmas is just one day of 365. Although the holidays can be rough alone, your new partner is an adult and since she has no family, she has probably faced this problem before. This may be more about your own guilt rather than her inability to be by herself.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

The Moonlight Swing Orchestra will play classic sounds of the Big Band Era on April 21 in Everett. (submitted photo)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Relive the Big Band Era at the Port Gardner Music Society’s final concert of the season in Everett.

2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD (Honda)
2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD

Honda cedes big boy pickup trucks to the likes of Ford, Dodge… Continue reading

Would you want to give something as elaborate as this a name as mundane as “bread box”? A French Provincial piece practically demands the French name panetiere.
A panetiere isn’t your modern bread box. It’s a treasure of French culture

This elaborately carved French antique may be old, but it’s still capable of keeping its leavened contents perfectly fresh.

(Judy Newton / Great Plant Picks)
Great Plant Pick: Mouse plant

What: Arisarum proboscideum, also known as mouse plant, is an herbaceous woodland… Continue reading

Bright green Japanese maple leaves are illuminated by spring sunlight. (Getty Images)
Confessions of a ‘plantophile’: I’m a bit of a junky for Japanese maples

In fact, my addiction to these glorious, all-season specimens seems to be contagious. Fortunately, there’s no known cure.

2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited (Hyundai)
2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited

The 2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited is a sporty, all-electric, all-wheel drive sedan that will quickly win your heart.

The 2024 Dodge Hornet R/T hybrid’s face has the twin red lines signifying the brand’s focus on performance. (Dodge)
2024 Hornet R/T is first electrified performance vehicle from Dodge

The all-new compact SUV travels 32 miles on pure electric power, and up to 360 miles in hybrid mode.

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

Don’t blow a bundle on glass supposedly made by the Henry William Stiegel

Why? Faked signatures, reused molds and imitated styles can make it unclear who actually made any given piece of glass.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.