How to maintain your life’s balance amid change

Columnist Paul Schoenfeld shares some techniques for working toward a sense of stability.

Everything changes. Every day our kids grow older. Companies enlarge, shrink and become something else. Relationships develop or die. Our bodies age. New technology replaces old gadgets.

Intellectually we know to not get too comfortable with the status quo. But when something changes that we value, we’re angry. Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? We react. And unless it’s something that we wanted, we don’t react too well.

Our bodies change, too. In my case, it’s not for the better. When I look in the mirror I think, “That guy looks just like me, but older!” Despite working out regularly, I am not getting stronger. And despite my efforts to lose weight, I don’t seem to make much progress. I have aches and pains that are regular visitors. The joys of getting old.

The world changes, too. What is safe and secure today may become dangerous and uncertain tomorrow. Economic conditions can change on a dime. And as we saw this summer, Mother Nature can have her way with us.

Of course, good and great things happen, too. When we get a raise or a promotion, we feel happy! When our kids are doing well, we celebrate. And when our relationship grows and strengthens, we feel more secure. It’s natural to feel good when our lives go from good to better or from bad to good. But even some of these positive changes can cause new challenges.

When life moves in the negative direction, we experience suffering.

So, what can we do? How can we keep our balance, our sense of stability and our well-being in the midst of this sea of change? Below are a few points to keep in mind:

You are not responsible for what is outside of your control. If the economy changes and I lose my job, this is outside of my control. I have to accept that almost everything that happens in this world is in the hands of others or forces that are beyond my influence. I can only be responsible for what is in my control. I can only take responsibility for what is in my power. Which is not a heck of a lot!

Be patient. A friend of mine, Sarah, was upset over her boss who seemed to be highly critical of her. This was her first job out of school, and she felt vulnerable and insecure. After listening to her carefully, I encouraged her to hang on. After all, I thought, her boss might get promoted or fired. Several months later, I learned that her boss lost her job. Just as good things can become bad, so can bad things become good.

Don’t worry so much about pleasing others. The quest for approval and appreciation is exhausting and frustrating. Some of us think that pleasing others and obtaining their approval is the secret of happiness. The problem: It’s hard to please others. And others may take us for granted, and we may not get the appreciation we hope for. If you’re in the people-pleasing business — retire. The pay is lousy and the benefits stink.

Be the person that you want to be. This is what is in your control. What kind of person do you hope to be? How do you want to face the challenges of your life? What kind of role model do you want to be for your children? There is no justification for being grumpy, blaming others and feeling resentful, unless that’s how you wish to be. Reach for the sky. Aspire to being kindhearted, forgiving, loving and generous. Go for the gold! Plan to be honest, reliable and considerate. Don’t make excuses; learn from your missteps. And make sure to be as compassionate with yourself as you are with others.

Paul Schoenfeld is director of The Everett Clinic’s Center for Behavioral Health. His Family Talk Blog can be found at www.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.

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